Finally!

(rated M for Mature content: contains a season finale)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we ate chocolate until our faces exploded, proved that swearing is actually good for you, and did fifty thousand push-ups on a hot bitumen road.

And coming up today: season 4 ends without a bang!

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 80: BYE BYE AGAIN.

It's become somewhat of a tradition to finish my seasons with something somewhat somehow serious.

So. Some of my favourite quotes (some mine, some not):

• In your face, I can see your past. In my face, I hope you can see my future. This was one of mine. One of the most cautious lines I've ever written, because if you mix up the ordering a little it becomes a pickup line. I like to think that I look to the future while living in the moment and ignoring the past. Depends on which way you look at it, too.
• A face in a cloud, no trace in a crowd... Mark Z. Danielewski gets credit for this one, as far as I know. It's in House Of Leaves. Nothing simpler.
• Instead of changing the thing, try changing the world around it. Cheers to Brian Eno... and it's exactly my life. No jokes. No one person has changed me, but since I changed my surroundings - the world around me - I've changed myself. See the last quote for more.
• The brick walls are only there to stop those who don't want it badly enough. The late Randy Pausch's famous last lecture rings true with me so much so I decided to put his quote pretty much everywhere. And my God was he full of quotes. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, only how we play the hand." I was impressed. Hugely.
• If you find a path without obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. One of my former work colleagues made this one. I don't know how flippantly she said it (because it was written on the quote board in the most flippant way) but, hey, it's a good thought.
• Those who dare to jump will soon find that the ground isn't as far as it seems. Me. If you haven't read my other work, you'll know that this quote has both a physical and metaphorical meaning - and strangely, the metaphorical reason is the more obvious. The physical reason is simply because your eyes are anywhere between 4'6" and 6'6" (for most people) above your feet. Jumping two metres seems like four and a half - more than double the distance. Your eyes can deceive you. (Of course, 5' is negligible when you're skydiving or BASE-jumping but again, one's mind tends to perceive distances to be a lot longer than they are.)
• Don't panic. Douglas Adams. One of the most famous quotes from his books, as far as I know.
• Everyone has a story to tell, and a secret to hide. Another one of mine. Basically, ignore the secret and listen to the story. People love and respect you for listening to their stories, and love and respect you even more if you respect their privacy.
• We should not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that every day is a miracle. HG Wells. You legend. Clocks and calendars are numbers - human inventions to help us mark time and communicate well with one another. But even in my world of numbers, sometimes it just gets too much...
• E pluribus CJ. I saved this one until last because it looks like it's egocentric. In reality, it's the exact opposite. I'm not going to translate it, even loosely. But a hint: the old United States motto "E pluribus unum" translates to "From many come one".

That seems decent enough. All that's left, really, is to finish with a big "Cheers" to all and sundry who managed to push me through 2010 with as much force as they could. Given that I'm not easy to push, it's a fair effort. So cheers to everyone on this list (I'm only giving the first letters of their first names, to preserve privacy):

P C C M G J A N T T E L D S M M B M K C M N S A A D D C C D S S K L M K J A J C R R S H S E T J R M M N T S J M R A L G J M K L C A K E A J D S H M L C N K D C L T T K A holy balls i have so many friends J R B D E K C K M K N P H M R L L N R N B J J J J F J S M A E E

If I left you out, please complain. If not, that's fine. Because I'm not putting your letter in more than once. ...don't make me put you all in alphabetical order now. So big thanks all around.

Also, I'm going to wrap up 2010 by saying that it was a year of fun. And I'm going to start 2011 - i.e. Season Five - maybe a little earlier than 2009 or 2010 - i.e. Seasons One and Three. Keep your RSS feed readers tuned, but I'll give plenty of notice on Facebook and Twitter. Also keep posted on See J as I'll be starting that on January 1.

Finally, here is a short word from the mayor of Curryland:

"Piece."

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we don't know yet. Stop hassling us.

Cups.

(rated M for Mature content: contains red lines and Sharpies)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we lifted a shop above our heads, comprehensively reviewed every RTS game ever made, and bought some zombie artifacts.

And coming up today: we interview Brisbane, Perth, Adelaide, Melbourne and Sydney about whether Hobart should get more sporting events, jump on a few wet pointy sticks, and juggle flaming chopsticks until our eyes get sore.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 79: PISTOLWHIP IS A KICKASS SONG!

I've been blasted lately for having a Mac. Yeah, that's right, I have a Max. My Mix is now over two years old, and outperforming one-year-old PCs. Plus, a Mos comes with components that actually work. The Mur OS is a thing of beauty, whereas Windoze is not. Also, Maw peripherals are very cute. And this is why I have a Mug.

I've been accused lately of being happy. Lies and slander, I say! Blasphemy! I'm not happy, I'm fucking euphoric! OK? Get it right!

I've been told lately I'm going to do a good job. Yeah, cool, but that doesn't stop me from feeling way too young! This is the ONLY thing I'm complaining about. I'm going to make stuff up as I go along, I'm not going in totally blindly kthx. ...actually, yes I am. This is blind. Objectivity is going to be a rare and expensive gift. Someone give me objectivity for Christmas!

AEROPLANE

I've been informed lately that I'm back at uni for another year. This is helpful, because this means you guys get more Experienced. Actually, I'm thinking about renaming it "The CJ Curry Project". No, wait. "The CJ Curry Idea". Maybe "CJ Curry: To Infinity And Beyond"? Nah. "A Tale Of Two Curries". Something.

I've been notified lately about the worrying state of weather that this world has entered into. It's very worrying that there is weather. I mean, weather really doesn't do us humans much good, does it? Sign a petition online to try and ban weather, whether that weather is naughty or nice. I'll get the results back to you as soon as I can.

I can't think of any more decent synonyms for "told" so I'll just jump straight into what I always wanted to do with this blog, which is insert a whole bunch of nothing in for no apparent reason.

And now I'll write something here, just so that it looks like I've stopped the blank. But I haven't.

And then I'll start writing again.

I'm impressed at your ability to keep reading this blog after 79 posts. Especially the most pretentious, self-deprecating M-rated blog ever, even though it hasn't called itself pretentious for ages, and has never called itself self-deprecating. But I'm impressed nonetheless. It's a good way to show that any Tom, Dick or Harry can make a blog and blog until the cows come home, even though nothing of any significance happens. And on that note, I have cows to take home.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we trek through the wilderness of Tasmania, play Bok until our drawing hands collapse, and sit down with a few hundred DVDs and throw them at a wall.

I told you to do WHAT?

(rated M for Mature content: contains a little bit of this and a little bit of that)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we discovered the optimal time for growing pet rocks, were read our Miranda rights, and watched a hi-def version of There Will Be Brawl on a low-def TV.

And coming up today: we show you five creative ideas to do with icecream container lids, threw caution to the four winds, and relaxed with our toes pointing towards the sun.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 78: WHEN TWO TRIBES GO TO WAR...

It's pretty clear to me that this blog needs some sort of order or structure. But that's not happening. Mainly because for the last week my brain has been halfway between "squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" and "ffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-". So I have no structure. None whatsoever. And I'm definitely not putting in an order. Nope. Not putting in an order for a dozen cheese biscuits. None. Not happening. No.

Just you remember that there is a life where everything is possible and nothing is impossible. But it isn't this life, and we're all stuck here on Earth with no escape and no change and cake. Cake gooooooooooooooooood.

too excited too excited TOO EXCITED. Or anxious. Or nervous. Or something like that. I don't know any more.

I wore a bag on my head! And I have a pen! It's a ballpoint, and not a fountain. Fountains are too big to fit into my pocket. Seriously. Have you ever tried to stuff a fountain into a pocket? It's like trying to get a very big item into a very small opening. It just doesn't work.

You need to subscribe to the tutorial of Two Tennis Balls. I'd suggest it's a good idea to do so right now. Fire $45,294.95 (and a half) to CJ Curry at CJ Curry, Earth. Send it with a free haircut coupon for your chance to win.

Pasta.

I wore a bag on my head! And it's a very chilly night. Maybe a cold freezin' night? Maybe it's a cooler couleur? Or maybe not. We're still in that springy thingy in Curryland. And Australia. It's rumoured that they're one and the same. But that's not true.

Telephony. That's a word that sounds like "fake television". But it isn't. I agree, it sounds like a bad word. So does "flatulence". And "pre-empt". But they all have their uses.

Please support me when I have a good year next year, because it's going to be one hell of a challenge! siege-ay.blogspot.com is where to go. All you have to do is watch me. Yes, watch me. Don't stalk me. Just watch. Watch. Wristwatch.

I wore a bag on my head! And the soundlab is on. Time for me to go and relax somewhat!

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we use a fan to splat flies, teach you how to grow your own water balloon, and investigate the Eiffel Tower's dirty little secret.

Fool! I will crush you!

(rated M for Mature content: contains a clock and two pieces of string)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we hacked Facebook with Twitter accounts, jumped off a bridge that was two feet above water, and worked all night on making things good.

And coming up today: we sample some delicious delights of the tasty snacky goodness kind, run until our feet get sore, and push a yak off Mount Rushmore.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 77: MUSIC. MUST HAVE MUSIC.

I'm a generous person. So I'm going to give you a glimpse of exactly what music genres tickle my boat, and float my fancy.

• HOUSE - the staple of my diet. 130 beats per minute of everything beautiful and often electronic. I hella respect the old stuff, but a fair bit less of the older stuff. I've barely seen proper house for ages, it's all subgenres now.
• GRUNGY HOUSE - I call it grungy house because to my ears it sounds a bit grungy. Some of it is good, but a lot of it isn't. Think some of Vandalism's more recent work, or Angger Dimas, or Major Lazer. Not much behind it but a beat, maybe a bassline if you're lucky, and naught but a computer bleep or synth whine. and a vocal track. Very minimalistic, but I prefer a lot more substance in my house. Best example in pop culture would be Pon De Floor.
• ELECTRO HOUSE - this isn't the computer bleeps of grunge, this is the sound saturation of The Aston Shuffle, The Bloody Beetroots and everything else that has the potential to completely rape your eardrums, but somehow never ends up doing so. Listening to electro house at 120dB is like having a hot shower - you know it's hurting you but you feel very comfortable letting it wash over you.
• PROGRESSIVE HOUSE - liquid. Fucking liquid music. The golden years of progressive house are still happening right now, despite progressive trance having passed its prime. This is the repetitive, hypnotic beat and bassline that a lot of people fob off as being boring. I say you're not listening right, and I say you need to listen to it longer. Progressive takes a while to get going and it takes a while for you to notice differences in the patterns that the artists follow. Adam K, deadmau5 and John Dahlbäck are probably some of the better progressive artists, but I like a song called Downpipe most of all. (I refuse to give you the radio edit.)
• BIG HOUSE - another term I've made up. This stuff is a dying art, giving way to grungy house, but I guess it had its place. Kind of a lighter electro house with a lot of generic female vocals attached to it. Slower trance without the trance. Get me? No? Try Soul Avengerz, or the Freemasons, or the Shapeshifters, or September (though I'm not as much of a fan of September's work). It's good if done well. Otherwise it sounds too much like Katy Perry on a bad day.
• TRANCE - this stuff is far too much win to be ignored. Faster house to get me energised, or motivate my running. Especially Set In Stone. But enough about that. A lot of trance is also very hypnotic, and tends to follow a pattern of build-up-energy, release-that-energy, start-again. Especially if it's a compilation. Break down, build up, sound explosion. Not only that, it's hella emotional too. You get all the happy, feelgood tracks like Sandstorm by and In My Heart; the total energisers such as Every Day, Every Moment, Every Time; the saddening beats of Diamondback and The Loves We Lost; then those that are halfway between happy and sad, like half of Lost Tribe's best work. My all-time favourite is Taurine (Super 8 Remix). Goes from one extreme to the next real quick. But yeah, because it covers that wide range of emotions it means I can be totally bipolar and have a good excuse for it. I say that because I like knowing who I am, and messing with my emotions is actually a good way for me to get to know who I am.
• PSYTRANCE - the words "Infected Mushroom" sound like a horribly bad reCAPTCHA at first (NSFW) but I tell you what, the music those guys make is about as psychedelic as you can get while still being trance. The stuff that evolved out of Goa Trance with the screech of an electric guitar being put to an actual good use, instead of making them whine and scream for mercy in a shitty rock or metal song. Try the Mushroom. Else try Logic Bomb or Wizzy Noise.
• PROGRESSIVE TRANCE - dead. Still left a huge legacy. Still finds a place in my playlist and my heart and is apparently beginning to undergo a revival. Good, because I sure as hell hope so. Greece 2000 is possibly the best known track from that era, along with Café Del Mar by Energy 52 (which of course sounds NOTHING like the actual Café Del Mar. See below).
• NRG and ACID - basically one and the same with a few subtle differences. But nothing about these genres is subtle. This is the stuff you Melbourne Shuffle to... and hope that it doesn't get played for more than about fifteen minutes at a time. In small doses it's good. In large doses it screams out "RAPE" in your brain and tries to throttle you something shocking. Sometimes, something genuinely decent comes out of the pits of NRG Hell, namely No More Fucking Rock And Roll. This is by a guy who calls himself A*S*Y*S, or Acid*Save*Your*Soul. Rhymes nicely with the song title.
• MINIMAL or MICROHOUSE - I don't like the term "Microhouse" for this music but I suppose a lot of people know it as microhouse. This soft stuff is usually my kind of music after a night out, or during a quiet night in, or at night when I want to feel lonely but not alone. (It's the best feeling in the world, but only if you deliberately set out to feel it.) Microhouse is essentially minimalistic and slowed-down house. A lot of German producers are getting in on this stuff. In fact, there's a compilation of it released every year. Superpitcher, Michael Mayer and Gui Boratto do this genre justice.
• CHILLOUT - kind of tying in with the previous genre, chillout is... chilled. Café Del Mar does this well (and as a result, I've developed soft spots for Latin and acid jazz music as well). That said, they're not the only ones. Ministry Of Sound puts out a Chillout Session every year or so, though the second disc is more of a slower house disc than chillout. Still pretty chilled though.
• AMBIENT - going back to MoS, usually the first disc has some good ambient tracks in amongst the indie stuff. One artist I'd love to see on there (but probably never will) is Aphex Twin. He has a few heavier electronic tracks, but tunes like Fingerbib and IZ-US are my favourite ambient tunes from his work. This is the stuff you listen to on a hot afternoon when you can't be bothered getting up for fear of sweating your balls off, or at night-time any time (except at a club ofc).
• DUBSTEP - dubstep <3. The genre that is starting to emerge, especially on shows like Triple J's Soundlab, and stuff that is amazing to listen to (probably even more awesome if you're stoned). I listened to a dubstep remix of Teenage Dream the other day, and despite barely counting as dubstep it was still a million times better than the original. No jokes. It's a cross between chillout and drum 'n' bass. And speaking of which...
• DRUM 'N' BASS - "silly, happy party music", says Ishkur. "Silly, happy party music", agrees CJ Curry. It's a 150bpm romp of kickass jumping up and trying to make it look like you're dancing. This stuff dominates my ideal driving music. John B does it, but he doesn't take it seriously or politically correct. Hell, one of his best known songs (thanks in part to a very handy flash animation) is American Girls. (Barely SFW) This is a genre I desperately need more of.
• EXPERIMENTAL - oh yes. Of course, we all know that not every experiment in music works, but my God some of them turn out brilliant. Yppah turned out brilliant. Black Moth Super Rainbow turned out brilliant. Ratatat turned out brilliant. There's more but I don't have a decent enough character limit for them. Experiments, especially electronic experiments (because, my God, we've experimented traditional instruments and electric guitars to death already) are well worth a listen in case you uncover something cool. Alternative radio stations are good for that.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we pretend this never happened, show you fifty ways to reveal your biggest secret, and tell plenty of New Zealand jokes.

Too much too fast!

(rated M for Mature content: contains wet weather)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience, we all talked about a fireside favourite, visited the Neverhood and the land of Zonk, and played with our money before eating it.

And coming up today: we insert a DVD into a CD drive, chat with the inventor of the round hole, and suck on a cough drop.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 76: WHAT?

For best results, this experience should be listened to with the music of your choosing. Not for any particular reason - just because music deserves to be played. (I can haz house music pls?)

(defun awesomeness(a b c) (+ a b c))

This looks really simple, but it shows the awesomeness of this blog. Especially when a = π, b = ø and c = e.

Today is wet and rusting. I mean, hell. Look outside! Wet! Rusting! And beer! We all love beer! Except me. I apologise to he who calls himself Saxx, but no. Beer is not my beer. Spirits are my beer and beer is my chinotto.

Oh yeah, and there was no sleep for the wicked last night either.

Let's all talk about refrigerators! They are white, much like Macintoshes. They are computers, much like ENIAC. It was an acronym, much like QANTAS. It's an airline, much like United. It's a word, much like joy. It's a concept, much like cheese biscuits. They are delicious delights, much like pie. And it all comes back to televisions.

It's coming back to you, isn't it? The feeling of regret you first had when you saw this blog? The acid jazz, balloons and felt-tip pens running through your mind must have been excruciating. But I broke you in, not 75 episodes ago, by telling you I can eat a Pounder burger. I don't think I can do that any more. Wait, actually, yes I can.

What is my suggestion for a long life? "See no evil. Hear no evil. Eat no evil."

What is my favourite character? The letter X.

Where was the cheezors today? In your underpants.

how does it feel

to treat me like you do

what do you feel

when you let go of the wheel

how does it feel

to wake up and smell the wind

Alright, that's enough of my music collection. Except for Swag. Fuck you, Axis, for addicting me. Also fuck you to Deejah for addicting me to Supermassive Black Hole some years ago.

So, what's outside my window now?

Rain.

Rain.

Rainy.

Rain.

Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain.*

I believe it's time.

*with apologies to Mason Williams

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience, we teach you that WD40 is a lubricant, comprehensively review every single word on every single page of House Of Leaves, and take a camera around with us at all times.

We must rebuild!

(rated M for Mature content: contains a troll, which should not be fed)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience, we snuck a laptop playing Rick Astley underneath someone's door, wrote "THE GAME" in a search bar, and brought up an image of Trollface on that sam person's desktop for teh epic lulz.

And coming up today: we debate the ethics of all-night Lord Of The Rings marathons followed by CPR refresher classes, lengthen our pants legs by an inch each, and pay $675 for a 10kg (22lb) block of snacky goodness.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 75: THREE-QUARTERS OF THE WAY TO 100!*

*Alternative title: TWO-QUARTERS-TWO-DIMES-AND-A-NICKEL OF THE WAY TO 100!

I should be sleeping. But I'm not. So here is my sleep-deprived, donut-filled Experience.

push the feeling on

Your hamster was a mother, and your elderberries smelt of your father!

duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude

WARK WARK WARK WARK WARK

*poot*

I has a battery charger.

(silenzio)

WHAT IS THIS. I DON'T EVEN.

tick. tock. tick. tock.

the house is creaking

Red dawn.

i want a pet ghost

*that sound that is made when you flick the corners of a stack of paper as if you're watching an animated drawing thing*

Aeroplanes, cheese and video games for all!

MY MOMMA TELLS ME I SHOULD STOP, GO AND GET A REAL JOB

noooooooooooooooooooooooo

Proton neutron electron meson boson quark COMBO BREAKER

I hear food.

DIVEBOMB.

You should only do what is impossible to begin with.

met car ds

I trance you.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we join forces with a speaker and microphone to take over 21 of the 50 US states, dye our hair pink with purple polka-dots, and come up with a hundred uses for beer coolers.

Video killed the blog star.

(rated M for Mature content: contains a video post)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we chatted to a PS1 and a NES about their old existences, found a wooden post and laughed at it, and waved around a fistful of fish for no apparent reason.

And coming up today: we show you a perfectly ordinary pack of cards, shove everything edible up Oprah's nose, and complain loudly about our lack of buses.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 74: THE "WE'RE SO" SPECIAL

This is a video. Please watch it. If you have a text-only feed reader, or are reading this from Facebook... well, sad. The link to this post is right here. WHAT! You can't click that link either? Go get a better computer and move to 2010 instead of living in the past.

Oh, and if you can't see the video properly (a likely story...) there's another link here. Special kickass thanks to Xtranormal for putting up with my snarky mood when I lost the first draft of this movie thing!

Whew. That was a lot of HTML. So please watch the vid and make sure my suffering wasn't in vain.

Happy Daylight Savings time!

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we watch the video again!

Needs more summer!

(rated M for Mature content: contains too much CJ for one to handle)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we threw one hundred old CDs like Frisbees, chatted with a small mole and his family about maple syrup, and jumped off the top of a bouncy castle.

And coming up today: we pick up a paintball gun, show you the difference between potatoes and dragons, and do fifty more legal things with a pointed stick.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 73: 8-BIT IS NOT NEARLY ENOUGH!

Today is a day of writing. So I will write! Enjoy, or I'll tear this piece of paper I'm holding. You have been warned.

-------------------------------------------

what did i do last night?

so i've woken up, not in my own bed, but on the floor just to the side of my own bed. quick assessment of the situation: headache. heavy eyelids. still wearing clothes. beside me: deck of cards. bottles.

a further inspection hears the tv running. must have turned it on last night or something. i get up, slowly, knocking a couple of bottles over in the process. the bedroom door is heavy as anything.

i'm still a little unsteady on my feet. unsure when my last drink was. still, need to save electricity. walking into the lounge, and the bright light hurts for a fraction of a second, and then...

...on the couch I see the most beautiful girl in the world, watching a movie. She is my girlfriend of eight months, and she flashes me a smile as I walk in. She'll be only too glad to fill me in on last night, but that'll have to wait until afterwards. Right now, there's more important priorities...

but of course, none of that happened. my disturbed amnesia only dreamed that. instead all i did was sit up all night, writing this story.

i'm alone.

i'm lonely.

i'm cold.

it's a wednesday. no work today. public holiday. also means everything will be shut and nobody will be out. that means there'll be nobody for me to meet.

to share my story with someone. to sit down with someone and do nothing for hours. to spoil someone and make them feel special. they keep saying i'll find someone. where? when? how? and will it be right?

3am. still awake. time for a random walk through the city, i think. lo and behold, nobody is out. until...

"Hi."

the moonlight illuminates her perfectly. the street lamps don't hurt either. dirty blonde, messy hair down to there. deep eyes. five seven, maybe five eight. a t-shirt that reads OMG WTF LOL.

we walk, we talk. we take a couple of turns that neither of us have heard of. i ask a couple of odd questions. taking the little risk here and there. and in the end, it turns out that she often goes on these walks, trying to find someone just as crazy as i am.

i won't remember the minutiae of the conversation.

eight months later, she'll be in the lounge.

-------------------------------------------

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we show off our LISP, discover the formulæ for creating fifty megatons of ultradeath on popular video games, and suck on a lolly.

"Ohai" is a legitimate word!

(rated M for Mature content: contains graphic descriptions of my night)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we jumped into a pool full of dead piranhas, locked Linus Torvalds, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates in the same room for fifteen days straight, and discovered what an "Augury Owl" is.

And coming up today: we sit through A Cold Freezin' Night, ride our bikes until we get home, and Facebook-stalk the first fifty people to Tweet us with their MySpace address.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 72: THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE WHAT?

So it's been a great night. We had a play and I killed backstage. I also did a good job. Then a bunch of my friends decided to go "OHAI" and distract me away from my assignment with balloons and the Game and hugs. We're all hugsluts back here. Then one of my friends kissed another of my friends and we squeezed a shitload of gossip out of him and then I played Monopoly with a bunch of drunk people and hats! That's right, I remember now, there were hats. And someone bought Park Lane for some $1,500 and that pretty much ended the game because everyone has classes in the morning. Curses.

Oh and also also also also I also learned that the Earth's oblateness is 1/298 and I learned that I like the word "oblateness" and I also learned that I constantly misspell "learned" subconsciously. And I got six people to draw pictures. I like pictures. Also I showed my friendskis Brawl and New Mario Bros Wii. And played with a Sharpie. And also also fiddled with lights.

OH! And I ran out onto a stage.

ALSO ALSO ALSO! I ate half my body weight in chocolates and got addicted to a new song about bikes and I also revived Trololo and and and and also and also and also ate food.

AND!!! I also jumped.

Ooh ooh ooh! I also wrote a whole assignment in 20 minutes AND ALSO wrote more of an assignment that is supposed to be due in a week and a half and AND and and wore a hat and ran into a fire extinguisher, I got a cut and a bruise but the fire extinguisher only hurt its pride AND I ate ravioli from a can.

AND!!! I also decided that I'm not keeping a diary next year like I wanted to about two weeks ago (but I never told you) but instead I'm going to go all digital and shizz and take a picture of myself every day for a year doing all kinds of crazy rubbish like being awesome and garbage, and I might post links to the photos here but only if you're all GOOD BOYS AND GIRLS.

I ALSO DID THIS! I also discovered what it's like to be on a high without drugs or alcohol but with copious quantities of onion rings and chocolate and adrenaline and JUST PURE AWESOME.

and and and AND and AND ALSO also ALSO said the words "also" and "and" quite a lot.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we go back to simple times, discuss shampoo with the Old Spice guy, and eat the mushrooms in our hair.

Bawooooon!

(rated M for Mature content: contains joy and smashing)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience, we played frisbee with a bunch of CDs, ate our way out of trouble, and trekked through the deepest, darkest forest of the Amazon.

And coming up today: we go swimming in an estuary, show you several file tapes of winter 2008's Great Freeze, and explain, in depth, the difference between a zebra and a zubra.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 71: MASTER BAITER? MASS DEBATER? CUNNING LINGUIST?

Time to jump through another list. Video games! Specifically, Mario games! I've owned and/or played plenty of them. Time to tell you all about them, in descending order!

• SUPA SUMASHU BURAZA WII* (Wii): Nope. Not doing this one. Not Mario enough.
• NEW SUPER MARIO BROTHERS WII (Wii): Nice. Needs more competitive. Co-op is decent. Or at least my friends need to get better, and/or stop giggling at penguins! Still, once you get the hang of it, the penguins are useful. Penguins are fun creatures. Actually... I can see why you liked the penguins. But you killed Mario! Penguin enthusiasm ≠ good. But it also ≠ bad.
• SUPER PAPER MARIO (Wii): Pixls! Pixls are teh win, and also teh fun. I like the fact that this is a role-playing action-adventure. Good genre-crossing is good. 20-hour storyline is 20 hours. I'd say 20 hours is about standard for a decent storyline. Oh, and there's a sufficiently hard postgame as well!
• MARIO PARTY 8 (Wii): Intriguing enough to get me to 100% the thing, but far better for nerds and casuals who like TBS games. Generally tho', gamers tend to want RTS games. So it's good, and you need to think up some really good strategies, but not exactly my friends' pieces of lie.
• MARIO KART WII (Wii): Zoom.
• MARIO PARTY DS (NDS): Much the same as 8, but fractionally more fast-paced. Not a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all. Also kinda sucks to be without a DS! But enough of that. The storyline is cheap, but the games are good. I still haven't gone all 100% on the thing, but I'm getting there.
• NEW SUPER MARIO BROTHERS (NDS): MEGA MUSHROOMS! MEGA MUSHROOMS! MEGA MUSHROOMS! MEGA MUSHROOMS! MEGA FUCKING MUSHROOMS!
• MARIO KART DS (NDS): Needs more bikes. Also needs more characters. Also needs less Shine Runners. I mean, hell, what on earth are "shines"? OK, they're from Super Mario Sunshine (GCN) which I'm not reviewing here. But my god WHAT.
• SUPER MARIO GALAXY (Wii): I likey. I haven't heard great things about its sequel though. Hopefully those people are wrong and it is, in fact, a good game. I clocked, but never 100%ed, this one. The loan period died. Should have worked on it harder, and more. Stupid stupid me!
• SUPER MARIO BROS (NES): What's more fun than stomping a bunch of mushrooms, turtles and torpedoes just so you can rescue a goddamn damsel in distress? Nothing! In all its 8-bit glory, this was AWESOME. At the time. Even better was...
• SUPER MARIO BROS 3 (NES): Tanooki suits fucking owned. P-wings were good but they didn't last. Tanooki suit FTW. This game was the devil spawn but it was amazing good fun to try and clock. You can't 100% this game. Nuts.
• SUPER MARIO WORLD (SNES): I never got around to clocking the capey, Yoshi-y version of Mario Buraza. FML. Regardless, the cape was cool. Could have done with a groundpound option... otherwise known as a buttslam. Whatever you want to call the thing. Which brings me to...
• SUPER MARIO WORLD 2: YOSHI'S ISLAND (SNES): Fuckit, this isn't Mario enough either.
• MARIO TENNIS/MARIO TENNIS POWER TOUR (GBC/GBA): No. As standalone games, they were good.
• MARIO GOLF/MARIO GOLF ADVANCE TOUR (GBC/GBA): Ditto. Could have been good. The music was way better in Advance Tour and heaps decent (for GBA standards) though.
• SUPER MARIO LAND (GB): Clocked. Clocked again. Went through the fucker twice before it killed me. And I was only 8 years old. Too bloody easy. Seriously.
• MARIO AND LUIGI: SUPERSTAR SAGA (GBA): Now this is a good game. RPGs never got any better than this. Especially M&L RPGs. They needed a break from the platformer crap that they'd churned out with the GCN. (Why the hell is it abbreviated to GCN anyway? There's no N in the word "cube"! Forfucksake.)
• MARIO AND LUIGI: PARTNERS IN TIME (NDS): I dig this thing up every time I need a bit of nostalgia. When NDS games were decent, and didn't fall by the wayside with Nintendo's policy of "we want casuals, chicks and children to play our consoles so we can sell more pieces of plastic and electronics than those wankers at Sony or Microsoft". Funny enough, it worked. The game was harder than Superstar Saga.
• MARIO AND LUIGI: BOWSER'S INSIDE STORY (NDS): Also known as RPG3. Bowser sucked.
• MARIO POWER TENNIS (GCN/Wii): Probably better on the Wii. It actually used the Wiimote properly! Not many games used the Wiimote very well. But the three Cs - casuals, chicks and children - lapped the thing up. Hoping this is the end of motion controllers, because Kinect and Move both suck balls.
• MARIO AND SONIC AT THE OLYMPIC GAMES (NDS/Wii): It's good to see Nintendo and Sega put aside their differences for a change. Also good to see a decent(ish) Sonic game on a console since the Dreamcast died. Wait, why the hell am I talking about consoles? I need a drink.

*Thanks Sean!

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we liberate every single university worldwide, share with you the secret to not dreaming, and find out what the hell "BURAZA" means.

Early ≠ late, right? Right?

(rated M for Mature content: contains violent words like "kick")

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we visited fifteen different supermarkets and bought the same item each time, opened up an SDHC card and a USB drive, and jumped a lot.

And coming up today: we sun ourselves in the spring rain, run through the halls of our primary school, and look casually at our diaries for the fiftieth time in one second.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 70: MY LIFE AS IT STANDS

TOPIC 1: Last month, I got the job I'd been hunting down for the best part of the last 12 months. Blogging shall continue next year. Hell, I'm not stopping at a hundred. But I'm still going for 20 per season. And one season each semester. I'll stop when... I get bored, xor I learn everything there is about myself.

This is what taking on the job is about. I like learning. I especially like learning about myself, and about other people. I've learned a lot about myself in the last 69.2 posts. And beyond. And I like it. I'll keep trying for higher and higher jobs until I've exhausted everything I want to do. And then I'll kick back with a video game and stop there.

TOPIC 2: I'm currently 20 (or so people tell me). In Australia, there's this really big thing about celebrating your 21st. I don't see it. My cynicism, political views, upbringing, whatever. Maybe they affect my views, maybe not. (Well, certainly not my upbringing (god DAMN it). Anyway, people are turning 21 all around me, and as I have been blessed (cursed?) with a late (early?) birthday I get to watch other 21sts and model mine after theirs. And I've decided I don't want what others want.

To clarify: I have decided to do nothing for my 21st. Reasons: half personal, half time. My job means that I'll be ultra busy for some time leading up to, and after, my 21st. I can't have it before or after then, otherwise it'll be two months either side, and hell if I'm doing that. So, no. I'm not having a 21st. Sorry to those who wanted to celebrate it for me. (This is another argument entirely, but I'm too lazy.)

Besides, how many people know when I turn 21 anyway? How many people that matter?

TOPIC 3: My grades are still good. Which means I can still afford to keep blogging. Eleven As (about four of which are highly undeserved) and a B to round out the year and a half. I'm happy with my performance, and I might be looking at graduating very well within the next three and a half years. Still plenty of time to deal with the total awesomeness that is university.

For those who missed the backstory, here it is. For those who are allergic to backstories, turn your screen off for a few lines. I'm doing a maths/stats degree and a comp sci degree. You may commence shouting "NERD" at your screen right now. I started the degrees a fraction before I wrote my first post here. No coincidence. And yes, I did eat a Pounder just before I wrote the first entry. I promise.

TOPIC 4: I need to be reviewed! I likes me my feedbackszorz, so I'm asking any and all interesting parties to review my work. But only for this blog. Read as much or as little as you want, and write to me. I'm reachable in Curryland, La Trobe University, Twatter, or just the comment thread underneath. Write what the hell you want. I won't bite back. Much.

TOPIC 5: It's spring time for CJ and Curryland! After careful consideration, winter has decided to bugger off for a while! Unfortunately for me, this means I have a spring/summer playlist without an iPod to stand on. Double-plus ungood. Enough of that.

TOPIC 6: ah, fuckit. I'm done.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we journey to the widest plains of the Rialto Tower, jump over the fence a hundred times, and eat our own arms and regenerate them.

Oh, do grow up.

(rated M for Mature content: contains quite bloody obvious sexual references)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we joined forces with the UN to rid the world of blankets, played harpsichord until our fingers broke, and shook our fists at everyone who decided to walk down the street.

And coming up today: 69!

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 69: WRITE YOUR OWN JOKES ABOUT THE NUMBER 69 HERE!

69! Isn't it amazing? 69 = 23*3 = 60+9 = ¹³∫₁₀2xdx = j/1,000 (where j is the number of jokes that can be made about the number 69 in the first place).

Sixty.

Nine.

Six. Nine.

But it's not really that special. Still, I should mention that since I posted interesting facts about the number 37, I should do the same for the number 69.

• 69! is the highest factorial number most scientific and graphic calculators can manage, simply because of memory limitations.
• 69₁₆ = 105₁₀ and 69₁₀ = 105₈. This makes computer science easier.
• There are 69 drops of water on one pane of my window. The other pane has too many to count.
• The 69th element is a lanthanide. Thulium, if memory serves. *checks Wikipedia*
• Interstate 69 intersects Interstate 96. How about that!
• It's a sex position. There, I said it. Also known as soixante-neuf. The French have all the good ideas.
• 69 is a semiprime. In that respect, it's like Julia Gillard at the moment (note that Australia's parliament is still hung as at writing, we're just waiting on the drawing and quartering bits).
• LXIX was the Year Of Four Emperors. Much like Australia, Rome couldn't decide who they wanted as Emperor.
• '69 was the year Bryan Adams chose to sing about. Why, man, why? When there are so many jokes that can be made?
• My high score on any given game is 69n, where n ∈ R.
• I can write a program that simulates 69 things.
• 1969 was the year man first walked on the moon. Woman has yet to do so.
• I just took 69 steps.
• Regarding haiku: read out four haiku, then say "bye". There's your 69 syllables. (Is it "haiku" or "haikus" in the plural? Or something else? Doesn't matter, I suppose.)
• The 69th song in my playlist is:
  • Airwave by Rank 1, sorted ascending by name.
  • Don't Be by Afrojack, sorted ascending by performer.
  • Red Mist VIP by Danny Byrd, sorted ascending by album title.
  • Don't Stop by ATB, sorted descending by rating.
  • Funk Ad by Daft Punk, sorted ascending by time.
  • Needin' You by David Morales ft. Juliet Roberts, unsorted.
• 69℃ = 156℉ and 69℉ = 20.5℃. I think I prefer the latter option, if I'm going swimming or sunbathing.

Now go and have a 69.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we tackle some Very Serious Business, toss a coin until we throw up, and get inventive with a pipecleaner and some sulphuric acid.

Kick out the maniac!

(rated M for Mature content: contains advertisements)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we injected confidence into 20,000 ants, attended the Wii Championships, and went bald for a few hours just to look shiny.

And coming up today: we look cautiously at a hammer and a nail, heavily criticise AZERTY, QZERTY, QWERTZ and Dvorak boards, and show you fifteen different trading cards and detail their origins ad nauseum.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 68: YOU HAVE A BLOG?

First: BARBRA STREISAND.

I have a pile of shit to sift through. Allow me to put on my latex gloves. Excuse me.

There. Done. Shit sifted. I'll never use those gloves again.

So. Since I last wrote to you, Australia's parliament has been hung. I'm hoping it also gets drawn and quartered, but that's like hoping for a million dollars to fall out of the sky, or like hoping that Michael Jackson is a good singer.

BARBRA STREISAND.

And I'm going back to the Rat soon. Rats are... ratty. Rat rat rat Ratties. What was your favourite TV show as a kid? Bananaman? Bangers & Mash? Angela Anaconda? Any others? Send your vote to CJ Curry, c/- The Internets. I told the Elders of the Internet to expect your votes. They'll forward it to my IP address.

We'll be right back after these messages from our sponsors.

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BARBRA STREISAND. Who wants duck sauce?

As I was saying. You deserve food. So go to the refrigerator and get a slice of custard. Get one for me while you're there. It's on the house.

I haz pie. But I no CAN haz pie. I haz no can. And I definitely no haz can pie. Can I haz can pie? I haz pie cancan. Pie pie pie pie pie pie pie π pie pie pie.

BARBRA STREISAND.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we discuss the ethics of cats, find our way back home, and enjoy a slice of courage with Noel Coward.

Deep into the haze of time...

(rated M for Mature content: contains violence and violets)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we taught you the complete history of the bottle top, showed you fifty different things to do with a KFC refresher towel, and drank from the purest waters of the Simpson Desert.

And coming up today: we review every single piece of music ever created, push a bazooka through a door's mail slot, and send you all a cheque for $0.37 for being loyal reader(s).

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 67: NOT ON MY WATCH!

The euphoria has finally died down, but it still comes back in occasional bursts. Regardless, just keep your eye on me, in case I get to excited or see an aeroplane.

Now, to business. Your contribution to my society has been greatly appreciated, and we value it higher than any other contribution that anyone else has given. Thank you. But we still need a bit more contribution. Contribution is what keeps us going here. The essence of life, as it were. Thank you.

I don't want to look up to people. I don't want to look down on people. I want to look sideways at everybody.

Man, it's been one of those nights. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to stay in. I settled for doing both.

And there goes an aeroplane.

I needs teh sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I have only slept properly one night in the last eight. Not cool! Not hot! Not just right! But awful!

I have an old tube that used to hold Pringles-like chips. And that's about it.

I have a bottle that used to hold cold mocha. And that's about it.

I have a plastic bag that used to hold groceries. And that's about it.

Sleep dep is a good little kicker, isn't it? Be fun with me!

*groan*

please.

There's someone I need to meet, somewhere near and some time soon, but I know I won't like it when I meet them. It'll mean losing a part of me that I'd rather not lose. Fucking wisdom teeth.

So yeah, I clocked new SMB Wii, but I'm yet to 100% it. That'll take a long time. A really long time. Help? Or... or maybe not. ...I'll bake you a muffin.

*blank space*

I think that'll do. I need sleep.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we wrestle rats for money, carve a tree stump into the shape of Audrey Hepburn, and talk for fifteen minutes to a frog.

There's something to be said for trance.

(rated M for Mature content: contains ecstasy. but not the drug.)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we listed 1,001 uses of Facebook, ate some chips, and travelled to the deepest jungles of New York City.

And coming up today: we eat a Vegemite-and-sushi sandwich, point and stare at a piece of lint for four hours, and play with shoes.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 66: A DANGEROUS COMBINATION

I had almost no sleep last night

because I was too bloody EXCITED

and the euphoria still hasn't worn off

anticiPAtion

and AWESOMENESS

never let me sleep on a head full of excitement

Anxious but still euphoric

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

(this is me blatantly being epically happy)

I stopped believing in fairytales when I was 10.

I started believing in fairytales when I was 18.

I've been living in a fairytale since I turned 18.

Don't stop me.

Oh, and also, don't stop my AWESOME KICKASS FEELING.

I'm excited. Can you tell?

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we OH BUGGER IT I'LL STILL FEEL AWESOME

Wristwatches are for chumps.

(rated M for Mature content: contains donuts)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we spoiled the plot of every movie being released in the next 25 years, put fedoras on and danced around like chickens, and stole a cookie.

And coming up today: we learn what the word "auxiliary" means, make beer coolers from duvets and T-shirts, and lay down on the ground for a few hours.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 65: NO MORE SILENCE (YEAH, RIGHT)

August is a brutal month for me. I might even split up Season 4 of the Experience as a result. But now that's out of the aeroplane way, it's time to begin.

Welcome to another episode of the mind-warping, torturous insight into my mind and mental state. Feel free to turn off (or not. I'll turn it off for you if you want). Stream-of-consciousness ahoy!

So. I'm thinking simultaneously about the new TV show I'm watching, and all the crap I have to deal with within the next week and a half. I knew it was going to be a landslide, but hell, it's turned into a double landslide. September can't come quickly enough. Avalanche and aeroplane are just words that start with A. Aw crap, there's horrible ads on. Ads just keep getting worse. They really do, and my TV is talking to me about choctops.

The last time I saw a proper stream-of-consciousness writing was my friend's back in 2005. Five years. Now I'm going to review my own stream of consciousness. Well, once I've finished writing it. Ooh, should I be playing SNES games or not? Well, later. I still have to finish my speech and my application. I'm applying for a leadership position and talking about nothing special for five minutes, all tomorrow. Seventeen hours later, I'll be HAPPY AS HELL.

Will I even make my speech? Yes. We won't all fit in the one day but we're going by alphabetical order, so either way I'm going to be shoved in the middle. I can kinda hope for an extra week but that's probably not happening, given that we'll run through a dozen speeches per day and there's only about 15 in the class, if that. If I'm shoved in the middle then that's that, it's happening tomorrow. I need Nazi zombies.

Man. 8am start, then five-to-six hours worrying about the speech I've prepared. I'm tempted to miss a class to further prepare myself for the speech. Uk uk uk uk uk. What class can I miss? Aw, hell.

So. I've got stuff on Monday morning, Monday afternoon, Monday night, Tuesday afternoon, Tuesday night, Wednesday afternoon, Thursday night, Friday afternoon, Saturday afternoon, Sunday night, and then a week of sweet nothing until Sunday 29th. Perhaps.

Wait, is Sunday 29th a song? I have a feeling it is. And I liked the song, IIRC. HOLY CRAP, so it is. "These walls are so bare, and I close my eyes to see you when I'm lonely." I should listen to it. But that would detract from the TV show. Need to rehearse my speech and all that crap. MAN OH MAN. Ah... what? Why did I write that? I didn't think it. I thought "DAMN". Still, I should grab a donut. But I won't, the donuts and their sugar kicks need to be spent equally over the next two weeks.

One week down. Two to go. At least I'll sleep.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: CJ skydives off a bed, we use a pen and batteries to make fire, and send our favourite men to weave a basket and a quilt.

A remote control is all you need... if all you want is to change channel.

(rated M for Mature content: contains naughty words and ideas)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we witnessed the world's smallest swan-diver jumping into a lake, painted a tin of paint, and discovered the best song to listen to if you're on a holiday with seven different people, two of them male, near the beach (but not too close to the beach) and within walking distance of a gelati shop.

And coming up today: we show you how cozy you can get for 50c per day, walk into a bear trap without getting hurt, and talk to a printer who has lost his job.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 64: HAPPY END!

I

First up, I - wait, happy end? What the hell is happy end? ...anyway. On with it.

II

You are reading this because you are mistaken. Obviously you believe that this blog actually says something. Still, I can't blame you for trying.

III

One more week lies ahead of me, and seven straight hours of class lie behind me. I'm looking forward to the former and I'm greatly relieved about the latter. I'm also hoping that I'll soon be able to yell out BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES and get away with it.

IV

I know you want to see my latest work of poetry. But you can't. Not yet. Give it a little bit, because I'm holding it back for a bit. I'm trying to put every strength of ounce I have into creating my paper world. Paper worlds are good places to go, but you need to avoid erasers and remember to drop in on the real world every so often.

V

I have a playlist. I call it "Melbourne". It is not about Melbourne. It is about my Melbourne.

VI

No mobiles. No Walkmans. None of that, or any of the others. Signed, Bernard L. Black.

VII

-Better give me a nine iron.

-Come on, sir, this isn't the golf war.

VIII

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Coming soon on the CJ Curry Experience: once-in-a-lifetime stream-of-consciousness episode! I will simply type what I think about, even if it's button-mashing or kitten-keyboarding. What? Erm, button-mashing is hitting the same key over and over. Kitten-keyboarding is letting a cat loose on my keyboard.

***ADVERTISEMENT END***

IX

low light

soft music

fluffy rug

beanbag

headphones optional

video game or something distracting

ok, i'm ready. the atmosphear is good.

time for my paper world.

X

I still remember my old room...

XI

You will see worried looks on my face. Don't panic. I'm not worried. I'm a bit like Dr. Strangelove that way.

XII

It feels like every time I have everything worked out OK, along comes a catalyst.

XIII

Ahhhhhhhh...

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we retract a generic statement, show the world what it's like to be a piece of cheese (Axis wanted me to say that), and show you how to dismantle a yoghurt.

Is a horse a home?

(rated M for Mature content: contains boring explanations not suitable for kiddies. go away, under-18s)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we trekked through the forests of the Nullarbor, and showed you all the potential hazards of misspelling words with the letters P and H in them (particularly the word "herpahs").

And coming up today: we look at the world's largest collection of pocket lint, chat with the inventor of the remote control and the potato chip, and discuss the merits of using one's bellybutton.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 63: SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE

So. You know me. You know my signs. Here they are, fresh for your disjoyment. Please remember to read them in a variety of styles and fonts.

• PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS SIGN (This was vandalised a few days later when my RA wrote "OK" underneath.)
• MAKE ME A SANDWICH! (This was for anyone to make me a sandwich. I can't make good sandwiches.)
• IF YOU CAN READ THIS SIGN, YOU ARE STANDING TOO CLOSE. (If you can read this writing, you are reading too close.)
• YOU JUST LOST THE GAME (I'm not sorry. I'm really not.)
• ∫e^x = f(u_n) (An oldie, but a goodie.)
• JUST DON'T DO IT. (Take that, Nike.)
• I AM THE PERSONIFICATION OF YOUR DOOM. (Too true. Especially where I live.)
• THAT'S TOO NAUGHTY (Whatever you're doing, stop. It's naughty.)
• THIS IS THE EVIL LAIR OF OCEAN BIRD (Ocean bird? We associate seas with oceans, and one type of bird is a jay. Sea Jay. Full credit to my friend J for that one.)
  
• THE TRIANGLES ARE SQUARES (graffitied over with "And you are a circle". Curse you.)
• YOU JUST GOT SIEGE'D. (Pronounce my name, but leave out the "ay".)
• don't tell the ghosts that I'm here (Again, graffitied with "I don't have to tell them. They already know you are here... Hehehe... >.<" with a drawing resembling a munchkin holding a tooth.)
• If you knock on my door and I'm not in, or I don't answer, then what you wanted wasn't that important. (Poor. Very poor.)
• YOU ARE NOW ENTERING THE ZONE OF CJ. WARNING: MAY CONTAIN GRAPHIC CONTENT. (Much like this blog.)
• You are here. (Can't argue with that... although some have tried.)
• ROOM 12CF Version: 2.0. INHABITANT BITES. HAVE YOU HAD YOUR RABIES SHOT? (Careful.)
• I WANT PIE (I always want pie. Someone put an "RRE" at the end. Stupid-head.)
• I like you. Can we be friends? (Please yes please?)
• IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME (Tell me you don't know where this comes from. I dare you.)
• INSERT HUMOUROUS ONELINER HERE (Be creative!)
• FEED ME (Because I always need more feeding.)
• you fascinate me (And you always have.)
• SIGN-MAKING THESE DAYS IS NOT ONLY OVERRATED, IT'S ALSO BLOODY DIFFICULT. ESPECIALLY COMING UP WITH FRESH IDEAS. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED WRITING SIGNS FOR THREE MONTHS, THEN STRUGGLED TO COME UP WITH AN IDEA? WELL, THAT'S HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. OUT OF FRESH THOUGHTS. STILL, I DERIVE SOME PLEASURE KNOWING THAT YOU'RE STILL READING THIS GARBAGE, EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING CONSTRUCTIVE IN ANY WAY. YOU JUST GOT DUPED BY C.J, AND, LET'S FACE IT, THAT'S JUST BAD. (I genuinely wrote all that.)
• HI. (Short, to the point, and liked by many people.)
• Inside here, you will find: -rainbows -earthworms -microscopic hummingbirds (From Black Moth Super Rainbow.)
• DO NOT TOUCH THIS SIGN. (Nobody graffitied over this one.)
• beans. (this was later added to: "I'll give them to you." then added to again: "let me show you them". Both of those were CJ-authorised.)
• DO YOU HAVE A HALL PASS? (Very few people did...)
• MINE IS THE DRILL THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS! (Look this one up yourself.)
• you. yes, you. you are on 12C. deal. (That's where I live.)
• THE BLACK LAGOON - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. (People still entered. I never heard from them again...)
• I'm on a horse. (Old Spice FTW.)

Buh-bye now.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we prove to you that the entire blog is completely canon and all crazy. We also show you the value of retconning everything.

Horrifyingly deliberate precision!

(rated M for Mature content: contains the word "mindfuck" at least once)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we drove through camel-infested swamps in the Sahara, showed you fifty new things to do with a remote control, and threw ourselves off London Bridge.

And coming up today: we take a trip to the Congo, where we will learn how to make badgers, sing hymns through vuvuzelas, and camouflage ourselves as waterfalls.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 62: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE?

People saw me in colour! Instead of in black and black, like I'm usually dressed, over the weekend I was dressed in blue and green and yellow and red and orange and purple and white and black and pink and sky blue and beige and chartreuse and off-white and gold and mauve and scarlet and grey and brown and blood red and heliotrope and cyan and magenta and violet and indigo and ao and lavender and lemon and lilac and sepia and burgundy and flame and ghost white and electric blue and #6anana and Kelly green and turquoise and royal blue and mahogany and flax and aquamarine and crimson and verdigris and azure and jade and silver and moccasin and Mountbatten pink and neon and tangerine and black.

I had icecream! Can you say VA-NI-LLA?

I can hear all of you out there. You're messing with my thoughts. You are very fucky people.

I'd like to quickly talk now about Metcards. This species, once amazingly abundant, has now had its life placed under threat. The recent Australian introduction of its natural predator, the Myki, has led to a sharp decrease in Metcard numbers. Personally, I have collected over 100 examples of this fine species, to save them from absolute extinction. However, extinction is still imminent, and despite these warnings, humans are still attempting to make the Myki thrive. You can save the Metcard by logging on to www.savethemetcard.biz and registering yourself as a Myki opposer. BYO Guy Fawkes mask. A Metcard's life is worth every cent you invest in this venture.

In no particular order, here are:

• Au Revoir Simone
• Yppah
• A Man Called Adam
• Aphex Twin
• Harry Nilsson
• Art Of Noise
• Robyn
• Mr. Scruff

And in no other particular order, here are:

• bricks
• hair
• streams of consciousness
• biscuits
• word association
• noise complaints
• ooze
• a barcode

Australia has a federal election coming up. We have elections evely day and evely night. (apologies to everyone who invented that joke) There is a big one coming up on August 21. (Holy fuck, I'm going to be OLD by then!) I want to clarify that I don't want any more political bullshit shoved up my snoot. God knows I get enough of it in Curryland.

Oh, yeah. It's been pointed out that Curryland could be a metaphor for my current living conditions. I call bullshit (mainly because I'm the guy writing it in the first place). Allow me to explain: The Empire of Curryland is an actual country. It's a small island in the Pacific, shaped roughly like a cloud. It has a population of some 1,500,000 people, all heavily clustered together in a space called MySpace. It has many of the world's biggest advances in technology, such as the dodecahydraulic engine, the hexagrammic quantum computer, and a rapper who is actually good. I live in the north-west. If you want to talk to me, just call Curryland and ask to speak to James. My name's not James, you say? Well, I didn't say it was.

It's been a while since I've talked about aeroplanes. In fact, it's been a while since one flew overhead. Aeroplanes fly overhead so often that you don't even notice them. But I guess that's quite normal for someone in my position OH MY GOD THERE GOES ONE NOW AEROPLANE AEROPLANE A E R O P L A N E!!!!!

what is in my subconscious WHAT THE HELL IS IN MY SUBCONSCIOUS

...ahem. While I recover from my spiral dive into insanity, here is the most obvious colour that I have been wearing lately:

æneous, cæsious, eburnean, rubious, spadiceous, xanthic, purpureal, leucochroic, flammeous, cretaceous, cardinal, albugineous, sulphureous white.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we take the Oblique Strategies out for a spin, demonstrate a generic scientific experiment, and CJ interviews the new Canon Eos camera. Save the date!

I am not a metaphor!

(rated M for Mature content: contains course language - specifically, language about my Science course)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we jumped through a wormhole and ended up in 15th-century Russia, discovered edible chess, and found the answer to mankind's ultimate question of life: "Where the fuck do my socks go after I put them in the laundry?"

And coming up today: we show you how to make a radio out of a tin of ham and a blade of grass, get up close and personal with Ulysses, and give you ten tips on how to train your pet ghost.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 61: FALSE ADVERTISING IS OUR GAME

I look here at my nice, shiny new desk, with a calendar featuring nothing but owls and a potplant that seems to be made of some kind of rubber. I can't help thinking "I prefer the HTML laboratory. That was more fun". Then I realise that the HTML tags sting like crazy, I sit down in my cushy desk chair (it's a swivel chair and it has wheels!) and I blog.

I'm back for a fourth season. As always, I'd better inform my new reader(s) about who I am, and what I do.

I'm CJ. University student, athlete, gamer, blogger, and part-time extortionist. You have come to the wrong place if you want sympathy, advice, or a cookie. However, I will deal out free hugs to those who are willing.

I am your age. I am your height. I am your weight. I am your shoe size. I am my hat size. I have your IQ. I have at least two gadgets on my person at all times. I collect owls. I collect games. I collect DVDs. I collect mathematical texts.

I like communicating in cryptic messages. I dislike long walks on the beach at sunset (although I love long walks on the beach at night time). I am a jack of all trades, master of none; though that's never stopped me before.

From the start, my aim has been to entertain, fascinate, intrigue and to piss you off. My motive has changed: I no longer want to fascinate. Instead, I want to jump in your lake and feed on your crocodiles. They're quite tasty.

Don't be surprised if you see a spontaneous aeroplane.

I just came back from being a fugitive. It was a lot of fun, but I think I've had enough for one year. The only good thing, apart from the thrill of being chased, was the Cat5e cables. They taste delicious in the first half of the year. Then come winter, they lose the crispy crunch that they once had. I stuck to eating packets of data for most of the second half of last year. Try them! (The CJ Curry Experience: now a diet consultant.)

Anyway, I've made a new contact since I've been back. Here is a report on the World Cup, with some assistance from my good friend Paul The Octopus.

Algeria, Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Cameroon, Chile, Côte d'Ivoire, Denmark, England, France, Germany, Ghana, Greece, Holland, Honduras, Italy, Japan, Mexico, New Zealand, Nigeria, North Korea, Paraguay, Portugal, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, South Korea, Switzerland, United States and Uruguay all lost. Spain won. Bloop.

I'd better leave you to it.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we take a trip through the Soviet Amazon and watch the sun rise over a ballpoint pen. Don't miss out!

I will be back.

Hi. I'm CJ. But you already knew that.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 60: THE GREAT ESCAPE (again)

For a recap, check out last post. Last time I was being dragged away by the scruff of my QWERTY board because I'd finally been caught by Curryland authorities. And boyohboy, do I have one hell of a story to tell you.

If you're allergic to flashbacks, I suggest you turn off now.

Time: midnight

Date: 2-JUN-10

Location: Curryland's notorious prison of no escape

More specific location: wing C, cell J37

So, here it is. I'm thirty hours into what is apparently going to be my prison sentence. It's quite cushy here, actually, given that I've been hiding out in oil barrels and HTML laboratories (jeez, those HTML tags sting like crazy when you go too near them). That said, hell, I don't want to spend the rest of the year here. I need to get out, and I need to get out now.

I have the Internet at my disposal. The one thing they didn't take off me was my laptop. Apparently they think I can't do much harm playing Snake all day long. Turns out Snake is my hacking tool. That ever-growing worm is pretty much like a progress bar to me. The bigger it gets, the better my hack.

I reckon that a particularly ugly hack will shut down the core computer system here and quite possibly help me escape. So, let me begin.

Time: 1:00 AM

Well, that hack failed. Obviously they have some pretty mean failsafes here. I'll need to figure out a way around the failsafes - maybe hack into the failsafes themselves. In the meantime, I'd better send out my thanks to the people I need to thank - just in case I can't, in fact, get out.

My loyal reader(s). Thanks to all of you. Yeah, that'll do; nobody else needs thanking.

This is going to take a while. Need to conserve battery power.

Time: 4:17 AM

Hacking has failed me.

Time: 9:34 AM

Nope, nothing. The prison system is harder to get into than War And Peace. There must be a way somewhere. Every system has an Achilles heel.

Time: 9:36 AM

I snuck a peek at a guard's password.

Time: 9:38 AM

I've found the hack to open up my door, to release me into the greater prison area. Though it doesn't get me out of the prison itself. That might take a while.

Time: 9:39:30 AM

Done. I'm good, I'm gone.

Time: 6:30 PM

Location: somewhere in Curryland

More specific location: SECURITY PROTECTED

They won't find me here for a few days. I can at least lie low and hope that they don't see me here. Still, the Curryland cops are pretty smart cookies. Meanwhile, I'm slowly going bananas and turning into a breadbasket. And now I'm hungry. I didn't bring anything to eat. This could be a problem.

Time: 7:35 PM (at least, I think it's 7:35; I've eaten my wristwatch)

Had to make do with supplies I already had. As it stands, the situation isn't that great. I can hear Curryland's emergency forces all out looking for me. Police, ambulance, and fire. As if I'm a pyromaniac. Still, I suppose it doesn't hurt.

Time: Aw shit, they're everywhere.

...

Time: 9:30 PM

Location: unknown

I've been recaptured. Bugger. They've found the sense to nick my laptop, but I'm still barely controlling it, Stephen Hawking-style. Looks like I'm gone... this may be the end of the Experience. Cheers guys...

Date: 3-JUN-10

Time: 1:30 AM

Just got back from a night out at the bar. Turns out that the only reason they wanted to capture me was... well, let me explain.

Instead of taking me to the cop shop, as usual, they made a right-hand turn down to Curryland Media and got restricted access to the facility. They frog-marched me to the prez' office and sat me down. Then they left the room. Very strange.

So the guy says to me "look, CJ, you're wrecking us. More people tune into your Experience each week than our entire-"

I couldn't resist the opportunity, and replied "Not each week. Each post."

I'm surprised it didn't get him more pissed-off, but he continued. "You're obviously pretty keen to work here again, so we might as well properly renew you so you can work your magic again."

"So, I get a fourth season?" I asked.

"Well, yes. That, and I have to comply with Curryland law."

For those out of the loop, Curryland law states that if there is some kind of threat to security - whether reasonably harmless or cataclysmic creator - then they must, by law, be offered a job within the company they threaten. Don't ask me why. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Well, by all means, I'm going to accept this job. I'll accept it in the morning, because right now I have the mother of all hangovers. Just got back from the bar, remember? I had to go out and celebrate somehow.

Date: 4-JUN-10

Time: 6:00 PM

Just getting ready to create my first legal blog in about five months. And man, does it feel good.

So, I'm back. And I'm bad. But first, I need to take a break. They'll give me a fourth season and hugely massive payrises but I have to take a holiday. Until I'm properly renewed, everything I get in trouble for is Curryland Media's responsibility (another dumb law... don't ask). So I'm going to Acapulco for a few weeks.

BYE! THANKS FOR READING! WILL BE BACK SOON WITH NINJAS AND PIRATES AND AEROPLANES AND ALL KINDS OF NEW AND EXCITING MATERIAL!

Later

--C.

Please sympathise with me.

Hi. I'm CJ. And sports are made merely for my amusement.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 59: LO, IT BE JUNE AGAIN (WITHIN THE NEXT 48 HOURS, THAT IS)

I feel like doing a shameless plug. So here it is.

I write.

I tweet.

I book your face.

I deviate.

I spring your form.

So enjoy it while it lasts, because plugs are just those: plugs. Very soon they will be pulled, dragging the rest of the Internets with them. Especially the shameless ones.

I'd like to blog about more, because I have a lot more to say. Unfortunately, Curryland police are still tracking me down for making this ninja broadcast. Heh. They'll never find me here. I'm in known COBOL territory, and as long as the COBOL members don't figure out that I'm an object-oriented man I'll be right.

Wait, what? COBOL is object-oriented. What?

Oshit. They just worked out I'm Javanese. HELP.

public class Avoidance

{

public static void main(String[] args)

{

cjCurry.runAway();

}

}

...aaaaaaand compile! *phew* I'm safe.

Now an even bigger problem arises. The COBOL gang saw me, saw where I went, and can tell the cops where I am. I'll hide among the C++ users for the moment. The cops won't be able to tell the difference.

#include <iostream>

using namespace std;

void main()

{

cjCurry.disguise();

cout << "Your disguise is successful." << endl;

cjCurry.beginIdleChatter("Hey! How are you! Nice to see you. Praise Bjarne Stroustrup! How\'s the weather? Code any good wetness lately? Heh heh heh. Keep up the good work!");

}

Whew. I think I'm safe here. The only thing that could possibly stop me is an exception somewhere, or a compiler error. Now. As you can tell, it's becoming increasingly harder for me to blog, based purely on the fact that Curryland is swarming with police who are experts at pretty much everything. It's a miracle that I outlasted them for two days, let alone nearly four months. My handy C++ textbook - um, I mean, PHRASE book - has helped me disguise myself. But I only know how to speak Java and C++, I don't know any other languages.

I'm also running out of bribes. There are only so many cookies I can bake for the cops on a limited budget, and I'm having trouble finding donuts that aren't curry-flavoured here in Curryland. That's to be expected. ...'Scuse me, there's a cookie vendor over there.

#include <iostream>

using namespace std;

void main()

{

cjCurry.purchaseCookies();

cjCurry.receiveResponse("You\'re not a real C++ member, are you?");

cjCurry.actInnocent("Why, what on earth do you mean?");

cjCurry.receiveResponse("It\'s heaps better to use int main() than void main().");

cjCurry.lookPuzzled("I\'m just trying to be different.");

cjCurry.receiveResponse("We\'ll see about that. HEY! THERE\'S A GUY HERE WHO LOOKS NONPLUSSED!");

cjCurry.runAway();

}

SHIT. I'm in huge trouble now. May as well give up, actually, now that I think about it.

Well folks, it's been a good year and three months, and a really good 59 episodes, but finally my crimes have caught up with me and the cops are closing in pretty hard (that didn't sound sexual at all). I'll be back, but I don't know when or in what form and I'd better hurry up and finish because the cops are about to arrest me and take my compu

SEGMENTATION FAULT

I speak English real goodly.

Hi. I'm CJ. And we all need a bit of Engrish in our lives.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE HAPPY FUN TIME 58: SUPER ULTRA HAPPY HEADUDESKU TECHUNIKU!

The mail box CJ Curry not have any important information. Mr. CJ not like empty box. You want blog, you read blog so you send money and lovely kisses to Mr. CJ.

Making up such things as <Engrish> is fun! Enjoy the happy smiles and laugh as write Engrish Mr. CJ. Not claim to be exceptional, but like to be fun. Shit. Well, it's a shame.

You have laundry! I wish to build laundry in house. You get me elect, you like me and laundry will build. It is faith in me, maybe I made a mistake but laundry is easy fun. Materials of building are need, but obtaining them is just a snap. Nothing strange with laundry.

Do not shatter.

Season is changing soon. I do exam, I take time away from blog. Still, July or August is good return. Regard the blog, until return.

Too much joy, not enough of the joy for you. Is joy the reason for return? Maybe? Bullshit, come here. It is the gift of return and food's coldness in refrigerator. Which go ahead to joy again. You want the <joy>? Tomorrow.

Wreck this thing, do not shatter.

I see your face. You go ahead to look happy. Because I offend, your offend is my goal and is easy trolling. Trolls away! And is fun to watch.

I sing tomorrow in sing contest. Contest? What? Oh sorry, I mean <Variety Night>. I enjoy. You probably like too, but I get better fun. Much fun.

In world's news: police say, we make problems. We responsible for death in the cell. Now they problems! And. Bangkok is protest finish. Yay! And. Tiny transistor, electric circuit made of atoms of seven. Only seven! Want so much! And. FIFA enjoy nearly time to begin in June. Will not display results, because did not see during Ashes.

Go ahead to have a good day. Curryland come back!

Later

-C.

Me! Me!

Hi. I'm CJ. And I jumped ship just to blog here today.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 57: MY ONLY JOY

I still have the taste of that exceptionally BLAND lemonade in my mouth. Get it out! ...ahem.

Guess what? I'll never learn. Not what I'm supposed to learn, anyway. I don't learn life lessons, tho' I do remember them for a little while.

I have discovered that NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP

NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN

NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND DESERT YOU

NEVER GONNA MAKE YOU CRY

NEVER GONNA SAY GOODBYE

NEVER GONNA TELL A LIE AND HURT YOU

ARGH! Fucking Rick Astley!

Anyway. Lately, it has been apparent that I don't know IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME

PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME

PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME

NOW WHERE HE AT? WHERE HE AT? WHERE HE AT? WHERE HE AT?

NOW THERE HE GO! THERE HE GO! THERE HE GO! THERE HE GO!

PEANUT BUTTER JELLY! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY!

DO THE PEANUT BUTTER JELLY,

THE PEANUT BUTTER JELLY,

THE PEANUT BUTTER JELLY WITH A BASEBALL BAT

DO THE PEANUT BUTTER JELLY,

THE PEANUT BUTTER JELLY,

THE PEANUT BUTTER JELLY WITH A BASEBALL BAT

...what is it with that banana?

ANY WAY. As I was saying IN AD 2101, WAR WAS BEGINNING.

WHAT HAPPEN?

SOMEONE SET UP US THE BOMB.

WE GET SIGNAL.

WHAT!

MAIN SCREEN TURN ON.

IT'S YOU!

HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN!!

ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US.

YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION.

WHAT YOU SAY!!

YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME.

HA HA HA.

TAKE OFF EVERY ZIG.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DOING.

MOVE ZIG. FOR GREAT JUSTICE!

.......finished?

I dunno. It seems like every time I try to start a sentence, an early Internet meme turns up and wrecks what I'm about to WANT PIE NOW.

LO BOB. YOU HAVE PIE?

YES.

ME LIKE PIE.

YES.

PIE IS GOOOOOD!

MMMMM! PIE.

MMMMMMMM!

PIE.

PIE PIE PIE PIE PIE PIE PIE.

MMMM! PIE.

PIE!!!!!

OW.

WHEN COME BACK BRING PIE.

WANKER.

will these memes please FUCK OFF?

What the hell's coming up next? LOLcats or something stupid like that? I mean, hell, it's downright I HATE TO INTERRUPT YOU, CJ CURRY, AND I'MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT CORY DOCTOROW HAD ONE OF THE BEST BLOGS OF ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME!

damn it.

I'm going to go before more rogue memes take a hold. Next post will be in Currified Engrish, rather than auto-translated EngriBADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER MUSHROOM MUSHROOM

BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER MUSHROOM MUSHROOM

BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER

AAH SNAKE AAH SNAKE! ARGH, IT'S A SNAKE! OOH, IT'S A SNAKE...

ugh.

Later

--C.