Spread yourself over this piece of toast for me.

Hi. I'm CJ. And the zombie apocalypse is coming.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 53: IF I SAID YOU HAD A BEAUTIFUL BODY...

While we wait for the strobelight, pseudo-random number generator, and the small glass of orange juice to get up off my couch and get ready for my blog, I present to you a tweet.

@cjcurry I do believe this is a blog post.

Thank you. And now I present another tweet.

TWEET

Thank you. You may be seated. Feel free to enjoy the marshmallows, but keep clear of the deep-friend foxes' tails. We need them for the next event, which takes place in two lines' time.

The next event is here. But you're not invited.

The problem with <censored> censorship is that it's <censored> and <censored>. Censorship can go <censored> my <censored> <censored> the <censored> <censored> <censored> son of a <censored> <censored> <censored> the <censored> <censored> <censored> giblets.

You are an hooligan. I am a awesome.

I really should be working, but <censored> is stopping me.

So, yeah, it's getting close to Mother's Day. Here Mum, have your day. I need a day. I don't have a day. They say every day is Children's Day, but I'm not a children. And I'm not a father, an ANZAC, a Christmas, or a Thurs. I don't get my own day. :(

I believe that I'm getting censored by the Curryland <censored>. Still.

HEY HEY. Bye bye!

Later

--C.

We have a little problem.

Hi. I'm CJ. And I win at life, while you flounder.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 52: SO OVER RATED

Ace of clubs.

Jack of hearts.

Jack of diamonds.

Six of diamonds.

Queen of diamonds.

See? SEE?! THIS is why I don't play poker!!!

...ahem. Excuse me for a moment.

*****

--what are you two doing to my legs?

--ay, we're just cleaning them.

-- cleaning my legs? with marshmallows? are you insane?

--no. we're crazy.

--ah. that's different. carry on... but don't use the pink marshmallows. can't stand the taste.

--you lick your legs? are you crazy?

--no. i'm insane.

--a'ight. marshmallow time.

*****

And so, to business. Carl Williams is dead. But rock and roll has been dead longer. And Ludwig van Beethoven should never have died. FUCKING. GENIUS.

And I can't beat my best friend's video game record, even though it's my game. FUCK. I will take tomorrow off and work hard on it all day until I beat him.

But in ze meantime, I need to talk about my addiction to ice. No, not crystal meth. I am addicted to ice, the frozen water type thing. It's even worse that I have a Space Invaders ice cube tray. NOW WE PROBLEMS. NOW WE DEFINITELY PROBLEMS. Ice is my weakness and I must conquer it. Joy.conquer.all -- if you know of any Ice Anonymous support groups near me, tell me in the usual way: send a scathing email to me and then go jump in a pool of jelly. Jello. Whatever.

I need an excuse. Not for anything, I just need an excuse. I might need to use it in the future. GIMME.

Also: The Game. Sucks to be you.

Confucius say: "Stop quoting me, motherfuckers."

THERE IS NOT A FACEPALM BIG ENOUGH FOR SHELDON FROM THE BIG BANG THEORY. I MUST ENDEAVOUR TO MAKE ONE.

And finally, I leave you with these randomly-generated numbers of wisdom:

Version:1.0 StartHTML:0000000155 EndHTML:0000000764 StartFragment:0000000475 EndFragment:0000000747

0.65071099344641000000

wait, what? I swear OO.o has problems. Still.

Later

--C.

I feel I must warn you... about... something.

Hi. I'm CJ. And I've heard all your excuses before.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 51: BECAUSE I'M SO LOVABLE, IS WHY.

I have glitter in my badger, my drinkbottle is full of carpet, and the kitchen is infested with paper. It's been a good minute.

Has anyone else been following the news? Because the news is still bad. I just switched on the news and I got a bunch of different crapola from the same left-wing perspective about... something. But still, the left-wing... wait, is it left-wing? The crapola that I watched was... well, it wasn't really crap. Hell, I've lied throughout this entire fucking paragraph. AND I DON'T CARE.

I hope you like elephants.

I have recently found the definition of "fun". The definition is "several people sitting in front of a games console playing a racing game, cursing each other out at 140 decibels during the middle of the game, swearing revenge after rage-quitting, and eventually punching each other out because nobody can agree on the result of the match even though every single player lost to a CPU player". Hell, if that's not fun, I'll shove my head in a barrel and call myself Richard for the rest of my life.

I really hope you like elephants.

So the reason I didn't write much over the last week or so is because I needed to tighten security on my ninja broadcast. Turns out that Curryland police have been following me, even though I've been trying my utmost to cover my tracks. Blogging will be more intermittent but I do promise to finish Season 3. The "Where In The World Is Curry Sanfrancisco?" competition will also be terminated. The winner for Ep50 was Joan Miller of Tikka Drive, and she wins the noughts-and-crosses grids. I won't say where I am, though, because that's far too much of a risk at this stage. Gratz Joan.

Oh, and one more thing: PLEASE FEED ME BACK. Not many people feed me back about this blog, despite the fact that several people read it. You all know who you are. I feed you with tasty tasty words, now give me words back. I like to know whether my blog is good or not, whether it needs changing, or whether I've thrown in enough stuff about random stuff and stuff. Stuff me with feedback!

Please like elephants...

It's currently 4:46p. I am listening to music that generally should not be listened to until 4:46a. HELP ME, I'M CHRONOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED. Or whatever the PC term for it is. I dunno. It's probably "doesn't know about time, doesn't give a fuck about time, and <insert insult here>".

Now. Assume you're a cat. Therefore, you like tuna, right? Because cats like tuna. Also assume that you meow, because cats meow. Now also assume that you hate dogs. Most cats hate dogs. Congratulations, you are now a cat and I shall come to your house and feed you milk and little niblets of kaviar. Because you're a CAT.

See, I used to be like you. But I gave it up, because it was habit-forming, and I don't want to be a nun. <groan>

If you don't like elephants by now...

Later

--C.

Your title here. Please.

Hi. I'm CJ. And I saw you do that just now.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 50: HALF A TON!

Well, ofc, it's not half a ton, per se, but in cricket jargon it is. So I shall stick with it. And also bring you a randomly-selected word from each of my previous blog posts. Ahem:

leader other bunches anyway HOME assignment will Botox many nom

people fashionable bloody tongue of treats stupid SEGMENTATION Winnebago first

nutshells Sascha eat squash composing thumbs shall have feet coming

EEK recover bashing finish SYNÆSTHESIA break thimbles milking and Spelunky

factoids quack have punchy one de input snow says ton.

Did you enjoy that? I certainly didn't. Because I just realised that not only do I have chocolate in my fridge, but also that you live on Earth. And that JUST WON'T DO. Go and live off Earth, you scummy oxygen-stealing pricks.

So, uh, when do I get to be your friend? And, for that matter, when do you get to be my friend? Because I, and I alone, know whether you will be my friend. And you are at my mercy. Well, that is, if you WANT to be my friend. Which is actually a tricky matter.

Actually, wait. It's an easy matter.

But what's not an easy matter is shaking me. Three things will shake me. Otherwise I'll have a bit of fun with it. Hint: they do NOT involve rattles. Wait... did I tell you guys this already?

We...

uh...

...

...

um...

we've run out of material for the moment. Hold on while I go grab a fresh batch. CUT TO NON-SEQUITUR!

<<>>

BAMBOO! BAMBOO! BAMBOO! BAMBOO! BAMBOO! BAMBOO!

<<>>

aaaaaaaand we're back, with some fresh, steaming, beautiful new material. Here we go.

If the meaning of everything cannot be determined, existence has no purposeOH SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH YOUR EXISTELTIALIST CRAP ALREADY.

I must bugger off, I have assignments to tackle. NOW WE PROBLEMS!

Later

--C.

---

This has been a CJ Curry presentation for CJ Curry Enterprises, Inc. Don't forget to enter the "Where In The World Is Curry Sanfrancisco?" competition. Last post's winner was Mr. Percy Bysshe Smith, of 19 Curry Drive, Curryland. For correctly saying that my location from Post 48 was underneath a share house and my location from Post 49 was in a pelican's beak, Percy wins a park bench and pipe-cleaner, but also a special bonus for guessing both at once: my fifteen years' good behaviour bond. Well done! Percy certainly hit the jackpot there! The prize for Ep50 will be: six disused noughts-and-crosses grids. Get entries in now, or you'll regret it in the morning!

It is no longer April Oneth.

Hi. I'm CJ. And I endorse everything non-fatal.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 49: SOMEONE ARE TWO THESE THUMBS, IS THE... WAIT, WE ALREADY DID THAT ONE, DIDN'T WE?

First things first: did we all notice my ingenious strategy of writing an April Fool's Day prank for you guys, complete with Morse code that said "APRIL FOOL, SUCKERS!"? No? Oh well, never mind. Just wait another year or so, I'll have something clever.

It's egg season again! Don't worry, I promise not to make egg jokes.

Instead, I will make MORE EGG JOKES! Eggs are fun to yolk about. Eggs-traordinarily fun. Eggs-actly! It's eggs-citing, and... erm... yeah, these jokes are fowl. I'll beat it.

Incidentally: here is Ruby; and she says "Hola! Donde esta Español?" Ruby doesn't speak much Spanish. Ruby is here doing homeworks. Speaking of Ruby, I thought I'd run through a list of memes that I have made with my (several) groups of friends.

From one group:

• The Game (you just lost it!)
• Writing "The Game" on notes
• Your face/your mum/your mum's face etc.
• Romeo
• Yelling from the window
• I can has (although that doesn't count)
• bow-chicka-bow-wow
• Speaking punctuation marks out loud

From another group:

• Jellyfish
• No U
• Combo breaker
• Is this what you're expecting?
• Who has two thumbs...
• Sexual innuendo (although who doesn't do that?)
• It's 4:30, time for milking
• Trolling the socialists
• Trolling 4chan
• Trolling /b/
• Three-player Rock/paper/scissors
• Three-player noughts & crosses

So, yeah. We have a lot of memes. I like memes. Memes are fun. Memes are your friends. Memes are good because everybody laughs about them and everybody else shuns you because you are the only people that understand even though it'll probably go stale in about two months, I mean hell, why would something like that last longer than a couple of months anyway? BECAUSE IT GIVES YOU STRENGTH!

Don't know what a meme is? It's an in-joke, or an out-joke, that people keep repeating and it somehow keeps getting lols. Eventually, the joke wears thin and it stops getting lols, except among nerds. There are a lot of Internet memes. Peanut Butter Jelly Time was one, as was Lolcats and pretty much any shit that comes out of the /b/ackwater of the Internet. (See what I did there?)

The CJ Curry Experience: entertaining, informative, and annoying.

So, yeah. Java is still my bitch. And C++ is not. I like having a language as a bitch. Srsly. I love it.

import java.util.Scanner;

public class Joy

{

private int levelOfJoy;

public Joy(int levelOfJoy)

{

this.levelOfJoy = levelOfJoy;

}

public static void main(String[] args)

{

Scanner keyboard = new Scanner(System.in);

System.out.print("What is your name? ");

String name = keyboard.nextLine();

System.out.printf("%d joy was given to %s. Yay!", levelOfJoy, name);

}

}

Just remember me next time you're short on joy.

Later

--C.

---

This has been a CJ Curry presentation for CJ Curry Enterprises, Inc. Don't forget to enter the "Where In The World I Curry Sanfrancisco?" competition. Last post's winner was... actually nonexistent. Nobody guessed my location! So the prize shall jackpot, and along with the park bench, a prize of sixteen different lengths of pipe-cleaner will be offered as a prize. Get your entries in now!