Horrifyingly deliberate precision!

(rated M for Mature content: contains the word "mindfuck" at least once)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we drove through camel-infested swamps in the Sahara, showed you fifty new things to do with a remote control, and threw ourselves off London Bridge.

And coming up today: we take a trip to the Congo, where we will learn how to make badgers, sing hymns through vuvuzelas, and camouflage ourselves as waterfalls.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 62: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE?

People saw me in colour! Instead of in black and black, like I'm usually dressed, over the weekend I was dressed in blue and green and yellow and red and orange and purple and white and black and pink and sky blue and beige and chartreuse and off-white and gold and mauve and scarlet and grey and brown and blood red and heliotrope and cyan and magenta and violet and indigo and ao and lavender and lemon and lilac and sepia and burgundy and flame and ghost white and electric blue and #6anana and Kelly green and turquoise and royal blue and mahogany and flax and aquamarine and crimson and verdigris and azure and jade and silver and moccasin and Mountbatten pink and neon and tangerine and black.

I had icecream! Can you say VA-NI-LLA?

I can hear all of you out there. You're messing with my thoughts. You are very fucky people.

I'd like to quickly talk now about Metcards. This species, once amazingly abundant, has now had its life placed under threat. The recent Australian introduction of its natural predator, the Myki, has led to a sharp decrease in Metcard numbers. Personally, I have collected over 100 examples of this fine species, to save them from absolute extinction. However, extinction is still imminent, and despite these warnings, humans are still attempting to make the Myki thrive. You can save the Metcard by logging on to www.savethemetcard.biz and registering yourself as a Myki opposer. BYO Guy Fawkes mask. A Metcard's life is worth every cent you invest in this venture.

In no particular order, here are:

• Au Revoir Simone
• Yppah
• A Man Called Adam
• Aphex Twin
• Harry Nilsson
• Art Of Noise
• Robyn
• Mr. Scruff

And in no other particular order, here are:

• bricks
• hair
• streams of consciousness
• biscuits
• word association
• noise complaints
• ooze
• a barcode

Australia has a federal election coming up. We have elections evely day and evely night. (apologies to everyone who invented that joke) There is a big one coming up on August 21. (Holy fuck, I'm going to be OLD by then!) I want to clarify that I don't want any more political bullshit shoved up my snoot. God knows I get enough of it in Curryland.

Oh, yeah. It's been pointed out that Curryland could be a metaphor for my current living conditions. I call bullshit (mainly because I'm the guy writing it in the first place). Allow me to explain: The Empire of Curryland is an actual country. It's a small island in the Pacific, shaped roughly like a cloud. It has a population of some 1,500,000 people, all heavily clustered together in a space called MySpace. It has many of the world's biggest advances in technology, such as the dodecahydraulic engine, the hexagrammic quantum computer, and a rapper who is actually good. I live in the north-west. If you want to talk to me, just call Curryland and ask to speak to James. My name's not James, you say? Well, I didn't say it was.

It's been a while since I've talked about aeroplanes. In fact, it's been a while since one flew overhead. Aeroplanes fly overhead so often that you don't even notice them. But I guess that's quite normal for someone in my position OH MY GOD THERE GOES ONE NOW AEROPLANE AEROPLANE A E R O P L A N E!!!!!

what is in my subconscious WHAT THE HELL IS IN MY SUBCONSCIOUS

...ahem. While I recover from my spiral dive into insanity, here is the most obvious colour that I have been wearing lately:

æneous, cæsious, eburnean, rubious, spadiceous, xanthic, purpureal, leucochroic, flammeous, cretaceous, cardinal, albugineous, sulphureous white.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we take the Oblique Strategies out for a spin, demonstrate a generic scientific experiment, and CJ interviews the new Canon Eos camera. Save the date!

I am not a metaphor!

(rated M for Mature content: contains course language - specifically, language about my Science course)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we jumped through a wormhole and ended up in 15th-century Russia, discovered edible chess, and found the answer to mankind's ultimate question of life: "Where the fuck do my socks go after I put them in the laundry?"

And coming up today: we show you how to make a radio out of a tin of ham and a blade of grass, get up close and personal with Ulysses, and give you ten tips on how to train your pet ghost.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 61: FALSE ADVERTISING IS OUR GAME

I look here at my nice, shiny new desk, with a calendar featuring nothing but owls and a potplant that seems to be made of some kind of rubber. I can't help thinking "I prefer the HTML laboratory. That was more fun". Then I realise that the HTML tags sting like crazy, I sit down in my cushy desk chair (it's a swivel chair and it has wheels!) and I blog.

I'm back for a fourth season. As always, I'd better inform my new reader(s) about who I am, and what I do.

I'm CJ. University student, athlete, gamer, blogger, and part-time extortionist. You have come to the wrong place if you want sympathy, advice, or a cookie. However, I will deal out free hugs to those who are willing.

I am your age. I am your height. I am your weight. I am your shoe size. I am my hat size. I have your IQ. I have at least two gadgets on my person at all times. I collect owls. I collect games. I collect DVDs. I collect mathematical texts.

I like communicating in cryptic messages. I dislike long walks on the beach at sunset (although I love long walks on the beach at night time). I am a jack of all trades, master of none; though that's never stopped me before.

From the start, my aim has been to entertain, fascinate, intrigue and to piss you off. My motive has changed: I no longer want to fascinate. Instead, I want to jump in your lake and feed on your crocodiles. They're quite tasty.

Don't be surprised if you see a spontaneous aeroplane.

I just came back from being a fugitive. It was a lot of fun, but I think I've had enough for one year. The only good thing, apart from the thrill of being chased, was the Cat5e cables. They taste delicious in the first half of the year. Then come winter, they lose the crispy crunch that they once had. I stuck to eating packets of data for most of the second half of last year. Try them! (The CJ Curry Experience: now a diet consultant.)

Anyway, I've made a new contact since I've been back. Here is a report on the World Cup, with some assistance from my good friend Paul The Octopus.

Algeria, Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Cameroon, Chile, Côte d'Ivoire, Denmark, England, France, Germany, Ghana, Greece, Holland, Honduras, Italy, Japan, Mexico, New Zealand, Nigeria, North Korea, Paraguay, Portugal, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, South Korea, Switzerland, United States and Uruguay all lost. Spain won. Bloop.

I'd better leave you to it.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we take a trip through the Soviet Amazon and watch the sun rise over a ballpoint pen. Don't miss out!