Don't talk, or I'll lose my balance!

the 89th experience has begun...

CJ CURRY S05 E09: A JOKE'S A JOKE, BUT THIS HAS GONE SOME WAY BEYOND THE REALMS OF LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT!

Welcome to CJ Curry's 20 Questions! Have you been paying attention to the 88 preceding blogs?

QUESTIONS

1. What is CJ Curry's name?
2. When is it Experience Time?
3. Name CJ Curry's favourite TV show's best line's best word's best letter.
4. Black or white?
5. Apple or orange?
6. Apple or Microsoft?
7. How soon is now?
8. What time is love?
9. Zap zap?
10. What colour is the bin outside of my window?
11. Why did I spell "colour" with a 'u'?
12. Why did I use single quotes around the letter 'u', but double quotes around the word "colour"?
13. Why did I do it again?
14. Do I have an itch?
15. Call me a vegetable.
16. What is my pet ghost's name?
17. Who wrote "teal deer" as a comment on one of my posts?
18. I'm going geocaching. Where?
19. My packet of cards has how many diamonds?
20. You're driving a bus from Melbourne to Adelaide. In Melbourne, you start out with 36 passengers. You pick up 5 from Ballarat, drop 7 off at Horsham, pick 4 more up at Nhill, drop off 8 at Bordertown, then you arrive in Adelaide without any other stoppages. The question is: What is CJ Curry's name?

Answers:

1. Aloysius Snottenheimer.
2. Any time it's not Game Time, it's Experience Time.
3. X. (I will also accept Z.)
4. Pink with purple polka dots. Of course.
5. Apple.
6. Neither. If Windoze lackeys are Bill Gates' devil spawn, then I am the lovechild of Linus Torvalds and Richard Stallman.
7. Soon enough. Which, of course, isn't soon enough.
8. Wednesday night.
9. Kaboom!
10. Colourful.
11. I'm not an American. I therefore don't corrupt English.
12. I'm a computer scientist who has made Java my bitch and I therefore like chars in single quotes.
13. Because I'm fucking anally-retentive.
14. No!
15. OK, you're a celery.
16. Fred.
17. Someone going under the name of "Anonymous". Damn you, legion.
18. Anywhere my shoes take me.
19. 197. Not including patterns on the back.
20. Aloysius Snottenheimer. Duh.

So, how did you go? Tally up your correct answers, multiply this number by 5, stand on your head, jump on the back of a yak (still upside-down), read the Bible from the middle to the outsides, and see how well you scored:

• 0-5: A Very Non-Spicy Curry
  Curry-boy is disappointed with you.
  
• 5-32: A Slightly Spicier Curry
  You're not good enough to be considered an Elite Curry yet.
• 32-41.5: A Mildly Hot Curry
  How did you get this many right?
• 41.5-74: A Hotly Mild Curry
  Well done. You spotted the trick question.
• 74-99: A Decently Warm Curry
  You're not good enough to be considered an Elite Curry yet, either.
• 99-99.5: A Super Hot Curry
  Yowch. Congratulations for getting this far.
• 99.5-99.9: An Ultra Hot Curry
  Yowch. This curry is hot.
• 99.9-99.95: A Mega Hot Curry
  I think I'm burning my tongue...
• 99.95-99.999997: An Amazingly "Hot And Burning, I Mean, So Hot It Burns Your Bloody Mouth Off, That's How Amazingly Hot This Thing Is" Curry
  You're not good enough to be considered an Elite Curry yet, either. But you're not far off.
• 99.999997-99.999998: An Elite Curry
  You're good enough to be considered an Elite Curry. Congratulations. Application forms can be picked up in the lobby of the Curry Building, in my Minecraft file.
• 99.999998-100: A Totally Bullshitting Curry
  You didn't score 100. No way in hell.

By the way, you are also eligible for the Elite Curry brigade if your score was exactly a multiple of π. You are eligible to become an officer if that multiple was a prime number. You are eligible for the new position of CJ Curry if that prime number was also a Mersenne Prime. And trust me, I have a very good bullshit filter, so I can pick out people who are lying. Have fun.

join the experience again soon...

Curse you.

the 88th experience has begun...

CJ CURRY S05 E08: TOO MUCH JOY?

The time has come to once again gaze upon the world, in all its misguided glory, and see what's happening. In other words, news time.

• LIBYA: rebels have apparently taken note of Egypt's example and started an attack on their leader of their own. Big difference: Gadhafi's not giving up his country. So the US, UK and France have taken it upon themselves to help take Gadhafi out. Funny, really, given that they won't lift a finger to take out the massive scaremongerer himself, Robert Mugabe...
• JAPAN and CHRISTCHURCH: earthquakes have gone all "zap zap" on the two countries, though more so on Japan than New Zealand. A Twitter comedian (not mentioning names) has also ended up with foot-in-mouth disease after he cracked jokes about the Japanese quakes and they were "insensitive". Jokes similar to (but not exactly) the following: "New favourite song in Japan is Carole King's 'I Feel The Earth Move'".
• BACK HOME: the iPad 2 and the Nintendo 3DS are coming out soon. Within a week and a half. The iPad still doesn't have Flash, USB or SD, and probably doesn't have Bluetooth either, and is still therefore a useless pile of junk. Meanwhile the 3DS is going to promise 3D gaming without glasses, AR, cameras, WPA2, and a whole bunch of upgrades from the DSi. Give it three years, and there'll be a new model that turns it into a useless pile of junk.
• INDIA: Australia have lost their first ICC World Cup match in 12 years, going down hard against Pakistan. In fact, I'd go further: I'd say the Aussies bent over while the Pakistanis spanked our miserable arses. Shadow of our former selves indeed. More than likely we're playing India in the quarter finals, but no guarantees there... Regardless.
• AUSTRALIA AGAIN: apparently men with prostate cancer are more likely to die form the cancer if they live in the bush, rather than the city. (There was little difference in the rate of incidence of cancer, however.) In an unrelated study, men who live in the city are more likely to choke to death on carbon monoxide than men who live in the bush. Also to jump off skyscrapers. Also to get into a freeway crash. Also to...
• USA: Robert Pattinson cries. Oh wait, I misread that news article.
• TWITTER SAYS: Rebecca Black. Who?
• NOWHERE: There isn't much other news happening, because Libya and Japan are dominating the news. Oh well. Donate to Japan and don't travel to Libya.

Short post. Bye!

join the experience again soon...

Lost in a mess of paperclips.

the 87th experience has begun...

CJ CURRY S05 E07: NO, MR. CURRY, I EXPECT YOU TO DIE.

The random nature of this blog has meant that I am almost exhausted of ideas. But that doesn't stop me. For there is no limit to the imagination. I have here a slight modification of a hypothetical test I found here: the Fifth Season Test. Here is my entry.

THE FIFTH SEASON

Before I begin, I am going under the assumptions:

• That the fifth season is for a version of planet Earth in an alternate dimension.
• That the existing seasons are identical to those on Earth in our dimension.
• That the existing seasons last approximately 90 days.
• That the fifth season also lasts approximately 90 days, giving a year that is approximately 450 days long.

For there is an Earth, somewhere in the ether of the universe, that has a fifth season: lopler. Lopler, to us, is perhaps the most peculiar season possible. The general populace here on Earth is too used to the rain of spring, heat of summer, wind of autumn, and snow of winter to consider the implications of the dust storms of lopler.

Perched right between autumn and winter, lopler is the time of year that always felt as though it was missing from Earth, for me. Smooth as the transitions between summer and autumn, between spring and summer, and even between winter and spring may be, it is a completely different case with autumn and winter. Suddenly winter is sprung on us, with no advance warning except for a rough estimate of the date (predictably June 22nd every year).

With lopler, however, things are very different. The dust storms are a very good reminder/warning to start preparing for the upcoming colder weather. Although they are not generally damaging in any way, residents are always advised to stay indoors during a storm, lest their eyes get irritated. But I digress somewhat. Let me start from the start.

The last couple of weeks of autumn float past. Some trees still have some of their autumn leaves still hanging on by a thread, and the evergreens are swaying in the breeze, expecting the frosts to arrive. And arrive they do, as the humidity slowly increases to no less than 30%, and temperatures slowly sink from the milder, 25-degree days to anywhere between 15 and 27. Low temperatures overnight provide for frosts, though the days are still mild.

As we enter lopler, we start seeing more and more of these frosts, but also a very predictable, three-week cycle. The temperature rises and falls throughout the week in a pattern that vaguely resembles a sinewave (although it is by no means perfect). The cloud cover across the land for two or so days out of every week brings the temperatures tumbling - counterintuitively, there is very little to no rain, despite the season-long high humidity. If you see more than 2in. of rain for the whole three months, it's evidence of climate change.

Of course, the winds from autumn still haven't abated, and since there is almost no rain, this brings dust storms. These are not actually a natural occurrence on their own, but merely the consequences of relatively dry weather and high winds. These occur roughly every three to four weeks, usually closer to the former. So one should see three to four dust storms for the whole lopler season.

The dust storms themselves are not damaging, save for if you happen to get some of it in your eye. The winds are not too damaging, either - they tend to stay strong at high altitudes and "dump" the dust downwards. Regardless, there is always good advance warning about their occurrence. In addition, due to the rainless nature of lopler, it is child's play to remove any traces of dust that remain - the dust is dry, easily shifted (perhaps with a bucket of water) and leaves very few traces.

The dust storms, inexorably, have a routine nature of slowing temperatures down. The thick dust at higher altitudes tend to block UV rays and cool down the land, before the sun heats them up and begins the next cycle (albeit a little cooler this time, and a lot closer to the onset of winter).

Any dust that settles on the ground and/or becomes wet is generally very helpful for the growth of plants, so it is often advised to water down any plants that one really wants to see grow. This aspect of the dust is somewhat limited - too much of anything is bad, and too much of this dust settling on a plant is equally dangerous for the growth of that plant.

Incredibly, this weather pattern is usually very predictable - however, there is one aspect which is very unpredictable. Although rain during lopler is uncommon, as mentioned, during the later month or so of lopler (borderline winter) it has been known to absolutely pour down with rain for a day or two, causing widespread flash-flooding and minor damage to buildings. Scientists attempting to discover a predictable pattern are still at a loss - these rains come with very little warning, kick around for a few days, then disappear almost as quickly as they arrive, almost as though it is the will of the gods.

Aside from this one quirk of lopler, the season is, by and large, bearable. Every three weeks, it is National Family Game Night, otherwise life generally carries on as if it were spring, summer or autumn. In fact, people from the alternate Earth where lopler exists are very satisfied with lopler, and it is overall the third most-preferred season behind spring and autumn.

All too soon, it is winter; time for freezing temperatures, hail, snow, sleet, and unbearably erratic/volatile heaters.

join the experience again soon...

Because you told me to, is why.

the 86th experience has begun...

CJ CURRY S05 E06: WHEN EVERYTHING GOES HORRIBLY RIGHT...

Several issues that I have taken issue with lately:

1. I have been accused of being a watermelon. This is not only untrue, it's just wrong. You don't go around calling grapefruits "watermelon" for no reason. Trust me, you slanderous lychee, you will not get away with this.
2. I have also been accused of writing negative blogs. Nothing could be further than the truth. I have never written a negative blog in my life. Look up there, even. Three numbers: 86, 05 and 06. ALL OF THEM POSITIVE. Mathematical loser.
3. Finally, I have been accused of not being a cat.

As an aside, this is the first CJ Curry Experience from my brand spanking new, Fantale-rich comp uter. Yes, I said comp uter. I have a comp that belonged to the fat German exchange student from The Simpsons. Which explains the Fantales.

In any case, let the madness begin:

blarq

zonk

squeeeeeeek

wat:wat:wat

recycle pain to love GALORE

*blow*

blarq (again)

Have a Fantale?

oodles and oodles of noodles

oodles and oodles of noodles

oodles and oodles of noodles

oodles and oodles of noodles

oh hell here comes an aeroplane SOMEONE STOP ME! I MEAN IT!

(too late. I've followed the aeroplane, and this has sealed my doom. I am about to be reduced to a custard and served up as pudding.)

Urgh. I have only five wearable bandannas. I don't like five. I'd like more. OCD ahoy! Still, the ones I do have are pretty neat. And speaking of penguins, it's time for a news update from our resident newsreader, PacMan.

wukka wukka wukka wukka wukka

And here is a contradictory news report from our second-opinion person, Sir Isaac Newton.

GRAVITY!

Failing that, here's our third opinion:

There was a lot of news today, all around the world. There was also a lot of weather.

Yay! And I don't think we need a fourth opinion. So I'll leave you with my wings of stone and bid you adieu. Have a Fantale.

join the experience again soon...