Woop.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE #165
"Shit I've learned about myself in four years"
a.k.a. "The Rules Of CJ Curry"

To celebrate (commiserate?) the fact that I've spent four years in my current city (as of Feb. 22 this year) and five-and-a-bit years since finishing high school, here it is for your listening pleasure.

1. I cannot gain much weight or muscle. Don't try making me.
2. I hate driving, but I will always offer you a lift.
3. I am ruthless when I play Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit.
4. Emacs shits all over every other text editor.
5. Life is one huge character study, and I am getting good at it.
6. The best night of my year is the same night you will find me dancing like a mad freak. Usually happens in late February, or a warm night in March.
7. There is always a hidden side of me that you haven't yet seen.
8. The best creatures in life are owls.
9. I will accept your challenge.
10. It's all about the house music, and always has been.
11. Skulls are not pleasant.
12. Rainbow jelly is best in large doses.
13. There is no Rule 13.
14. Driving 300mi each weekend just to play cricket is not unreasonable.
15. I am being active and outgoing this week/end, and my injured body part has no say in the matter.
16. "House Of Leaves" changes my perspective on life and people in different ways each time I read it.
17. When I am up, I am up. When I am down, I am down. When I am only halfway up, I am neither up nor down.
18. If I'm on my balcony, or up my tree, handle the situation with kid gloves.
19. Pride is my greatest sin, though I'm a fan of all seven.
20. Never fuck with me when I have a corrosive pistol or an incendiary sniper rifle.
21. If I shudder violently, that's fine.
22. The only person who can break me is me.
23. I will care more about other folks than myself.
24. Life is an old arcade game, like Pac-Man. Life does not get harder after every level, only different. The aim is not to win, but to go for the high score. You can only screw up so many times before you die.
25. Memes are amazing. In-jokes doubly so.
26. You cannot beat me at Toad Factory on Mario Kart Wii, nor Tick Tock Clock on Mario Kart DS.
27. I tend to be funnier when I'm on a computer, and weirder when I'm not.
28. You cannot read my horrible poker face.
29. Sunshine makes me happy, and heat gives me energy, but I really do need those sunglasses.
30. Pokémon rules. Zelda drools.
31. If I am in a musical trance, best leave me be unless you know what kind of music is playing.
32. My job is to find kitten. This task is made complicated by the existence of various things that are not kitten.
33. If I am hyperactively happy, assume there's no reason.
34. Sentimental value is always greater than cash value.
35. My social calendar has no limits.
36. My idiosyncratic language style is harmless, but confusing. I need a translator.
37. The best number ever is the first irregular prime.
38. I like the nightlife, baby.
39. Mathematics is a way of life.
40. Losing computer data is the end of the world.
41. Never mess with Sunday.
42. I must always know where my towel is.
43. Censorship can go fuck itself.
44. I have more female friends than male friends, and occasionally consider myself as "one of the girls". But, I am (mostly) heterosexual.
45. If I am ugly, my sister is stupid.
46. Do not write off the Australian cricket team unless they have mathematically lost.
47. I have only one major aspiration, and otherwise like living each day as it comes.
48. Black is the best "colour".
49. Sleeping on my beanbag or on the floor is no issue for me.
50. My geocaching addiction does not require an intervention.
51. If one foot goes down in front of the other, do not question it.
52. Believe what you want, but don't shove it down my throat, especially if it's logically or provably false.
53. If it is a pun, I have heard it or made it.
54. If I drop a catch or have been bowled out for a low score, I am a ticking time bomb.
55. If it makes me laugh, it makes me laugh loud.
56. Forgotten things haunt me. The antidote is nipple face.
57. If I suddenly run out of a room and splash my face with water, all I needed was to wake up.
58. If it's a Facebook status of mine, it's likely to be lyrics.
59. The owner of the biggest nerf gun is not necessarily the best shot.
60. I like trains. I like waiting for trains.
61. My Bill Of Rights is a legal and binding document.
62. When I am drunk, I am loud and obnoxious, but mostly harmless.
63. Good luck trying to convince me that there is a god, a purpose to life, a thing that is not quantifiable, or edible seafood.
64. My five celebrity freebies are Jewel Staite, Emiliana Torrini, Emma Watson, Ellyse Perry and Scarlett Johansson. In no particular order.
65. My sister got all the awesome genes.
66. If presented with an intriguing enough puzzle, I go into tunnel vision mode.
67. T-shirts must have slogans, or some kind of awesome design.
68. If I have willingly told you when my birthday is, or you have successfully convinced me to change my Facebook profile picture, you are a rare and precious jewel.
69. Sixty-nine is a very sexy number. It is a semiprime, the highest factorial on most calculators, and can be read upside down.
70. My pedantry is at its greatest when talking about numbers and logic.
71. If I am bored, look out.
72. In base four, I'm fine.
73. Cyberpunk, as a concept, is awesome.
74. My music tastes are exotic. It is a miracle if you like ten or more songs in my list, and you are a hero if you have ten or more songs I like.
75. I do not deal in pet names.
76. "CJ" stands for "corney joker" or "calculator jockey".
77. I do not tend to watch movies. Hence I do not know anything about James Bond.
78. If I go to bed without doing something wrong, that day has been wasted.
79. I no longer follow Australian rules football. September is a terrible month.
80. If you want to get a message across, you have to hit me over the head with a ten-ton anvil.
81. My door is always open, except if it's closed.
82. I do not take kindly to compliments.
83. Red Dwarf is the best TV show ever.
84. It is impossible to decide which animal suits me most: owl, cat, phoenix, hedgehog.
85. Gaige and Yoko Littner are perfectly acceptable celebrity crushes.
86. Archaic terminology is perfectly acceptable, so long as it's relevant. Imperial measurements included.
87. The only superstition I follow is the number eighty-seven. It is thirteen short of one hundred.
88. You just lost The Game and I have no regrets.
89. Rain is always the same, no matter where I am. I will walk out into it just to get wet.
90. If I have a can of A&W Creaming Soda in one hand and a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in the other, all is right with the world.
91. I am not a cyborg simply for having a Bluetooth earpiece.
92. The hair looks fine as a rat's nest, but I hate my eyes.
93. It's either whisky and cola, whiskey and cola, lemon lime and bitters, or Rekorderlig.
94. I will not overtake on a single-lane road.
95. I am a Melburnian. Any connection I have with my home town is merely a technicality, but I love my family to bits.
96. My bandanna only comes off if it is absolutely filthy, or if I need a shower or sleep.
97. Ambiguity must be both played straight and lampshaded, or averted entirely. Also, TVtropes has ruined my life.
98. I've never met a Mars bar flavour I didn't like.
99. If I am obviously flirting, I am not aware of it. Conversely, if I am deliberately trying to flirt, I am not doing a good job. Subversely, if I am flamboyantly flirting, I am joking.
100. If I am upset, or lonely, or depressed, or panicking, I don't need sympathy. All I want is a very long hug, a shelter from the storm, and a sounding board I can rely on.

List of shoutouts (for copyright shit): Darren Hanlon (#6), Noir (#10), The Grand Old Duke Of York (#17), Serenity (#19), The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (#25, #42 and #62), robotfindskitten (#32), The Cars (#38), Yppah (#41), Underworld (#51), asdfmovie and Inception (#60), The Herbaliser (#68), Portal (#72), Daria (#92 - subtle), TVtropes (#97, obvs) Double Dee (#100).

HONOURABLE MENTIONS (will be added to):

• Death is an illusion. Dead people have always been dead, and I have always been and always will be alive. If I die, it means that I was never alive. (adapted from a quote from a writing website... the quote has sadly disappeared)
• In your face, I can see your past. In my face, I hope you can see my future.

More? Comment below.

long live my cricket bat.

Acclimatisation and realignment!

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE #164

"Soon, there will be nothing left of the Little Mouse."

I crush thee with my stickytape for returning to my lair! ...Wait, what? You're a registered visitor? Fine, OK, I'll use the hole punch instead. But I'm not using the staple-gun or the glue-gun. They're for certified VIPs only. You'll just have to jump into the 50,000-strong waiting list for that. It's a little bit exclusive.

DEAD FLYING EAGLE. Oh wait, my apologies, it's an aeroplane instead. My bad. But still, it brings the amount of aeroplanes featured in this blog (hidden or not) to 44,285,342. Another 72,443 and we'll have total anarchy! Yay! Let's have some more fun. And waffles.

Have some non-random words which may or may not have significance:

Arnold. Tongue tied. Dynamite. Raise the roof. Pharaohs. Skirts. Metropolis. Reunion. Baguette. Fuck with you. I love it. Blockhead. Alice. Move your body. Pull up wheel up. Miami to Ibiza. Deladeu 2. Ohrwurm. Chaos theory. Never acid again. Tarantula. Feel the love. Sweet nothing. Ghosts. Oxygen. Water bombs. Chimes. All about you. Leave me amor. Garden. Running. HyperParadise. Fineshrine. Out on the town. Nights like this. Gonna make it. Cast away. Young blood.

Me be cray-cray. Does that mean I'm a double crayfish? Because I don't like fish. I got cured of fish when I was 11. Which means I am also not susceptible to shark. Which is good, because shark spreads like a motherbitch, especially among twentysomethings who love people too much. COME AT ME, SHARKY-BRO.

It has occurred to me that there is a large pile of owls to my right-hand side. None of them have names. Please help me name them. I will thank you. Because it is very hard to come up with 53 (give or take) names, and I am not naming them Owl #1, #2, #3, et cetera ad nauseum. Only serious and non-serious names will be considered. If you can't provide either of those, I'm sorry, but I just will not accept that.

(this episode of the CJ Curry Experience has been sponsored by coffee)

incoming is my fifth o week. in other words, best. party. ever.

...On a sadder note, I was originally going to write "long live my cricket bat" in every blog post for the season. Alas, Old Faithful is inching closer to retirement. She's beginning to show some quite nasty cracks up where the blade meets the handle. For now, long live my cricket bat, and hopefully she lasts until June. And I shall write a tribute to her once she does retire... or pass away. Arrangements are being made for both her retirement and her funeral, should the worst happen. During this sad time, I am counting on donations from volunteers to help cover the costs and hopefully give her a decent send-off (either way), so please send donations to me at the usual address, which has of course been sent telepathically to the 55,947,613,775 email addresses on my snail-mail list. Beginning now.

poor old faithful. eight years of service shall not be forgotten.

Summersummer

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE #163

"At least, be humanoid."

Stealth puns. YUM YUM I EAT THEM FOR DINNAR.

So in today's hyper paradise we chuck a piece of taffy (nom nom nom) into the Red Sea to investigate its effects. Watch this space.

REEEEEEEEAD. And have this while reading.

So. Since I last saw you I believe that I was all zootzootzoot I have a million days spare hurr hurr hurr. But I ain't like that any more. I didn't take the million. I only took two hundred and forty-eight days spare for lunch, gas and tows. Nice one. And the High Voltage Living Creatures agree.

Crunch.

Munch.

Nom.

Biscuits ♥.

we've all got our obsessions. mine is for you. eat my nectarines and long live my cricket bat.

I can break whoever you want me to because I like sending people on breaks. In fact I'm going on one right now.

Short break. But it's better than a no-break space. Ah well. Curryland still has me to answer to. Have you melted yet?

Might I point out that I am currently sitting in 35°C heat. With no side effects. None. Not a one. Seriously. Blarf. Not one. Zilch. Zip. Nil. Zero. Ya. Here. Have. Pie.

Reminder: I'm dyeing my hair. I'm also going to have a lot more fun this year in ways you can't even begin to imagine. Please have fun with me in ways that you CAN imagine. And ways you can't but I can. Because imagination is the key to fun. And aeroplanes sometimes help too. And coconuts. Let's have a coconut-aeroplane! And maybe some orange juice with ice and a fancy glass and those cute little umbrellas you get in cocktails, served freshly squeezed on a beach in Hawaii during a cloudless 28°C (~82°F) sunset.

(thirty seven. if i may.)

in case you were still wondering, the taffy sank.

Eat more cake.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE #162

"This is where we daydream."

May I remind you: Long Live My Cricket Bat!

crush you with my crushy thingy perhaps?

Zoot Nr. 1: I am dyeing my hair again. Please click here and then click a bunch of other stuff and type in some stuff and give money to the Leukæmia Foundation please yes please. I am going to make things slightly more interesting next year but it all depends on how much moneys are donated this year. The magic date is March 14.

Zoot Nr. 2: I am running Melbourne. I'd love it if you guys could sponsor me for this one, but it's not as high a priority. I've still got a lot of shit to sort out. I'm mostly doing it because I can, and I like running. Matter of fact, asking me to run or walk somewhere (within reason) is like asking the Pope to be Catholic. The magic date is July 21.

Zoot Nr. 3: I am playing games again. The plan is to have four gamers, myself included, to fuck each other up (instead of just me fucking myself up). Bring on the bangarang! We'll be competing for a Prize. The Prize is to be determined but I'm sure we can pick on a few ideas. It's gonna be a mindscrew and a half. The magic date is November 2.

Watch this if you are over 18 and have a sense of humour.

I wanna make pancakes. Can I have some pancakes?

one hundred and nine. and counting. and i hope to hit one hundred and fifty by the time of twenty three. for that is another magic date. but not very magic when other people think about it. man i am getting so busy over the next week and a half. please help me by sending me pancakes. long live my cricket bat.

TIME WASTERS! Click on them. Not for epileptic folk.

• This is funny,
• this is fun.
• This is good for trolling,
• this is good for tripping.
• Don't try this at home,
• do try this at home.
• What the hell is this?
• How to fix stuff.
• Simple solutions are best.
• Meanwhile, in the sky...
• Obligatory cat vid.
• Obligatory catgroove vid.
• To understand recursion you must first understand recursion.
• Roomba!
• Guns. Up To Eleven.
• Boom. Instant win.

And that'll do ya, you time-wasting fuckers. I'm outta here too.

did you just scowl at me for calling you a time-wasting fucker? i'm sorry. here. have a cookie. and pie.

Never acid again.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE #161

"Bring that fork over here, would you, lads? Thank you."

I suppose I'd better get this shit underway again.

Hi, I'm CJ Curry. I live in Curryland, a small confederate democratic empire off the coast of Australia. Blogger, gamer, athlete, and professional cynic. Student, nerd, smarmosaur, and perpetual fifth wheel. Electronic music aficionado, nightstalker, elite Nerf sniper, and perfect exceeder. Man of many words and few brain cells, with an attitude to match and a QWERTY board to prove it.

Loves: numbers, cricket, owls, cyberpunk, nightwalks, EDM, science fiction that doesn't take itself too seriously, video games, Kitsuné and Kompakt, cities, pasta, geocaching, Jewel Staite, being agile, card and board games, Borderlands, writing programs and such that are only useful to myself. (Oh yeah, and I love my family and friends too.)

Hates: stabby things, seafood, Aussie Rules football, driving, my home town, people who try to censor the Internet, being sick or injured, winter, long walks on the beach at sunset (they absolutely MUST be deep at night).

You're back here because I made you come back with my psychokinetic powers of psychokinesis. All glory to me, and long live my cricket bat! Also, you want to make me a cake. In return I shall make with the rainbow jelleh. I swear, it tastes like real^TM rainbows.

Punch sound.

Folks who know me know the blog is now into its ninth season. By now, more than likely Fox woulda cancelled me. But I ain't with Fox, I'm with Curryland Enterprises. We do well. I almost didn't get renewed years ago, but Curryland decided they liked me too much. And this year I have a new desk. LONG LIVE MY CRICKET BAT!

palmistry and foxhounds

Meet the real me! This one time only offer is coming to you via satellite on August 25th of this year. Be sure and put your name down fast, because seats (and cookies) are strictly limited. Bah. Just get the hell in. We are limiting seats to one, and cookies to seven.

I will take on your challenge.

am i the only person who was actively shipping claire and marten from the time they got to the lakehouse?